12/31

You, gone almost five years, now what?
Thought I'd have made so many new 
Changes by now,

Instead everyone else I know has. Not me.
Still live here. Why? Easier than moving? 
Still I wonder, 

Where would I go, where I will go. 
Perhaps time to start wondering: where do 
I want to be.

12/30

Four years out, what have I decided, done?
Still in the same house. It was “ours” but
That time’s over. 

Perhaps I’ve needed to see that written. 
It was our house. Now? It is only my house. 
I've done what? 

I paint more. Health? Had to go down that hole
And I’ll pay for it. I write and I dance around 
What I do want. 

12/29

Another day of visiting,  an old
Riding friend in her lovely bungalow
Of comforting spaces,

Places to rest with tea while discussing 
pottery, painting, writing, extinctions, and
Contributing to landfills.

Speaking of the chastity of goddesses
The powers of choices and the 
Comforts of friendships.

12/28

Dinner with friends of ours, 
Back from their holiday travels, calling
Me come over,

Asking how are things. So I visited
A few sweet hours for wine and pasta
And catching up.

12/27

Without friends, I would have had a dire time.
But I need to recognize, they are friends first
And be grateful

For what they are, not dismayed 
At what they may not be, nor append
Myself to them.

Being alone, is mine to consider 
How to resolve and how to move on
Happy within me.

12/26

This time, being in this house has allowed
Me room to think about my circumstances
and living alone

Allowed because there is company here,
And companionship is good for soul and body,
I know that

But also know learning to be on my own
Is a lesson now needed. I can make it
Hard or not.

12/25

Glad to be with my mom this day
Glad to see my brother’s family.
A simple day

12/24

Christmas eve dinner with cousins
Awful cold started on top of bad chinese
Need better planning

12/23

Hard day traveling as going south 
To north always leaves the worst 
Roads for last.

12/22

Floor in the bedroom is done
Freshly painted, the walls still bare,
A new look.

No time to hang pictures and I like
The plain, blank walls surrounding me
In green quiet.

Time enough later to decide what
Will go up again, now time to pack again
And to sleep.

12/21

Home late to do much but unpack, 
tired from driving, tired from being
now always outside.

What am I going to do about this?
How am I going to have a good life?

I don’t know.

Don’t know how, where, when Only 
know it is time to take hold, how? only,
I can learn.

12/20

Came up for a party two doors down
That was fun. Before helped put up
A Christmas tree.

12/19

Tired when I left this afternoon
Too much to do and not enough time
To do so.

Stay with my friend, we go out to dinner,
She has so much happening in her life,
I so little.

Tired to bed and my dogs settle quietly
Beside my bed, yet I know, they are tired
Of traveling, too.

12/18

Dinner with friends, who remember you
And spoke kindly of you. Thankful
For this, yet,

Feeling tired and dried out, drained 
Of enthusiasm any initiative I have swept
To the curb.

On the evening of that eighteenth, 
I slept alone hopeful still of you healing
Five years ago.

12/17

Have finished painting our room, now,
My room, and there I shall sleep, yet again, now,
Always, without you .

12/16

Yet sleep was not good last night.
Awake for hours in the wee hours,
Sleepy all day.

But took time to do some kepting,
Decluttering counters and such, 
House feels better.

Proxy for what I wish to do, this 
Cleaning and prepping for a future,
For the now.

12/15

Dinner with friends last night,
Good food, much laughter, talking.
Time well spent 

Finished painting the room today
Will sleep  tonight in a soft green haze,
And white sheets.

Dogs asleep on the rugs, 
Cat on her pillow, and me tucked
Deep into blankets.

12/14

Walls  are taped and clean ready for paint.
Green, I’ve decided on a soft sage.
Tonight’s wine? Red.

12/13/14

Met a few women in a book club.
Thought to meet a few new folks,
Read the book,

Not a light book. Lunch and light chat, 
A lot about meeting others, about 
Alone-ness, loneliness and

Fixing that. Maybe, only these 
Methods mostly had no appeal.
Made me think

Am I lonely? Yes, but grasping 
What gives my hours gratification,  
Gives sweeter pleasure.

12/12

I am stripping the walls
Of the bedroom, removing
The unwanted paper.

It is an easier thing to do
Altering simple things
In this house

Bringing to it a sense of serenity.
Not quite so, revising the aspirations
Of a life.

12/11

Lines from a movie that
Hold true: How did he die?
In my arms.

How do I go on?
One awful day 
At a time.

Your path is as it should be.
My mind takes me down roads that 
Leave me nowhere

The roads are for journeys, not destinations. 
It is not enough to just survive. 
Life is precious.

12/10

Wanted this day alone, because
That is how I must learn to face life,
On my own,


Fasting this day, taking meds
Later a friend comes, will take her horse,
Tomorrow, the doc.

I need learn from her, do what is best 
For oneself first, not last. Should have said

No, not today.

12/9

What do I want and why do I stay.
With the answers to these, where can
I not go?

Towards what horizons, new prospects
wait, how will perspectives change
Facing new transitions?

What do I want and why do I stay.
Time to search answers to surface, where
I am going.

12/8

For such a spell, have drifted in place, afraid,
Drifting and carrying a harsh fear since the 
day you died.

For in that moment any courage 
I had was swept away 
With your soul

By breaths learned again to breathe
By steps learning again that moments  
Can be good.

12/7

Yes, I am hiding here, fine for a while, 
But now? Now why do I hide, 
And from what.

Life, a need to stay safe, only becoming stuck.
Did this myself and only I can rearrange it,
Not anyone else.

Hiding from deciding, must remember no 
Decision is one,  the question remains what
Do I want.

12/6

Today before the welcomed rain 
Started I swept damp leaves 
From my decks.

This needed doing and I did so 
with a pleasant feeling of propriety.
This beautiful place

Deserves good keeping.
No longer do I so resent 
You not here 

Helping. Miss you deeply, but, 
More willingly now do these chores. 
A small step.

12/5

I have lived here 
Almost as long without you 
As with you.  

Have used living here 
More as a shield against living 
Than a place 

To get on with living. 
Of what am I afraid?
Of dying alone? 

Probably will happen. 
So why do I let that hold my life 
Hostage, stilled, damped? 

Still wonder what, beyond you, 
Still ties me here, binds me here 
Just hard enough  

To freeze me? Am I failing if I go, 
If I stay? Really, where do I 
Want to be?

12/4

Have watched others change their lives.
All the while thought I would 
be the one 

Making new choices before anyone else.
Yet, just about everyone I know
Has made changes. 

Me?  I still live here. Why? 
Because that's easier to do than 
Trying to move. 

Where would I go?  Have wondered, where?
Perhaps the need is to ask where do 
I want to be.

12/3

Into the Steppes of Genghis, by this friend’s relative.
What a delight to see it in the special film festival.
A wonderful eye, 

Sense of place and time, people and life, perfect. 
Enthralled by the story. Then a great dinner, 
With her brother 

Her family, so close. Could wish this, too, but, no, will 
Play this hand as best I can, mostly alone, yet also
Quiet and graced.

12/2

It is good to be with this friend, painting.
Her life is really changing now as
Mine is not.

At least not solely by my choice. 
As I know choice is not always a given,
More a inducer.

I wish my friends goodness. I do not wish
Their crumbs of time or charity, even if that’s all
They have left.

12/1

Driving allows for thinking & crying
Not always either well but enough to see
Issues facing me. 

My friends are moving on to places,
Good places, and such places no longer include
 Me as much. 

My problem! Left adrift again and
Better learn to enjoy time alone &
My own company. 

11/30

Grateful for a day spent with friend 
And family.  Grateful for the beauty 
In this life. 

Amazed at how life just keeps changing,
And uncertain. Amazed changes make me feel 
I'm left aside. 

Frightened of how lonely has returned
And deepened. Frightened my strengths fall short,
I'm just tired. 

11/29

Morning spent tracking down items
For her new home, spent just time
Being together

Went to see a house by the water but
In a place I can't see me. Lately there
Isn't such place

Beyond where we were last. And going
Beyond that alone as I am now is 
Just beyond wearying. 

11/28

Spend the night at a friends new place,
Dinner, movies and talking. My dogs sleep
By her bed. 

11/27

Left to do the child things: set table,
Fill water glasses, stay out 
Of the way. 

And I do so, as I watch the two swing 
Gracefully through their preparations with
Little help needed. 

Family comes, we eat and visit, all good. 
I clean and wash, put away dishes and
Stash my memories.

11/26

Not being part of this circle here
Has thrown me out of what little
Orbit I have.

So I am left doing nothing these days 
But skirt the rim of despair
Circling my soul.  

I have kept my place learning  
Living alone but must allow how 
Loneliness nips sharp.

11/25

Morning coffee with my mother,
Then my aunt arrives and they
Are very busy,

The two together in good harmony
And I realize how little I can or
Need to contribute. 

More deeply felt is the realization
How little I am needed here. Not that
I ever was.

11/24

Car loaded last night,
Wake early, call dogs,
Driving by 6:30.

11/23

Spent time settling myself and 
The house for leaving, little things so 
Returning is easier.

11/22

These days, for differing reasons 
Friends, health, are coming to a 
Differing of ways, 

But have in common: 
As I am not integral to others, 
I have not 

Considered my own health 
Integral to me. My own fault 
on all sides, 

As I haven’t the knack 
Anymore of asking for help or 
Being of help.

11/21

I have made one particularly bad choice 
These past years, that has gotten me, 
Yet, exactly how 

It will show, remains to be see. 
But health as I have known it is coming 
To a close,

As, all relationships between all things, 
Frankly, come to change to what seems 
best for them. 

Of course I jump to whatever 
Seems worst, without knowing 
All the details.

11/20

These long days, months, years I have learned
When the evening closes, it is me alone with hopes
Outweighed by fears.

For each step taken in light another is shadowed, 
Pulled back I am left wondering why and 
Where shall I go.

Oh for moments to hours again in contentment.
Dusted with happy enough to spill sweetly
Into morning next.

11/19

Put away part of the show I will use next year
I hope this exhibition will happen, some notice of
Where I live.

Clean around the studio and the kitchen,
Moving through this space, my space,
With certain familiarity,

But also, still, with a hesitation born of knowing
How it was with us here, and failing for just
Me content here.

11/18

Wake to clear blue skies
Pack my show into the back of the car.
Load dogs, go.

Stop to lunch with your old friend, now mine,
Still our financial advisor, his wife and daughter 
Make time, too.

I deliver a painting they bought,
That they are thrilled with. My book is
In his office.

11.17

An amazing amount of rain this day, water
Runs down the beautiful north window of
My friend’s studio.

Between errands, we paint, working while
Music and the patter of rain makes
Background noises perfect.

And "we" you must well know is not
A royal "we", more hurting, but  we, only the
Ordinary everyday "we".

11/16

Breakfast and good time spent in the morning.
Then head south to see a colleague’s open house.
Dinner with friends.

11/15

Help a friend move stuff in her house. 
We meet with a friend and her new beau for
Martinis and oysters.

11/14

Should have gotten on the road today but too tired,
Just wasn’t going to happen. I’m going, because?
I’m staying, because?

Because I still need to move, even as I know,
I need more often now to be still. An inner fight
Not always controlled.

11/13

Another draggy day
The hours slip by and I
Am hanging in.

For what, I can not always say.
Really? For what? For more 
Long hours alone?

Why does your death still affect
Me so? Why? Why? Because you are so
Twined into me.

11/12

Slept in and read through the morning,
A morning of mists and grayness
And warm blankets.

Cats snuggle and dogs sleep, then 
Friends come to plink at the back board.
I shot well.

Another evening with hours to spend,
Mostly okay alone but feel I am waiting,
But for what.

11/11

Read throughout the day, then prepare 
Dinner in a new tagine I just bought.
Spices and herbs

Mixed  into a marinade to make 
A Moroccan meal for a friend.
Food and wine,

A few hours of company,
An evening of conversation, then
Bed and book.

11/10

Got Arlo’s stitches out today and otherwise,
A quiet day spent puttering and just feeling spent
Another tired day.

11/9

A quiet day here,  cleaning and cooking.
I have little energy these days, probably
From a cold.

So I muddle through in slow motion,

Moving through this place wondering

Although its mine

Is this where I want to be, is it I still need 

To be here, then why? Where is my place

Where am I.

11/8

Rode with a friend, on that black horse,
Rode through the autumn day
Under clear skies

Do I still like here? On some levels, yes.
Yes, for the views, the space, the beauty, for
You having been

Here, and hate it for you being here now only
In my heart yet rode these paths remembering
You were here.

11/7

Checking into treatments, but 
Who can afford this? Cost more than most 
Have to retire.

Spent the evening at an art show
Showing support and seeing some friends
Before heading home.

Home, here, this is where I live
Home was always us and now only me.
Am I home?

11/6

A fine, rainy day and I puttered through out it inside,
The dogs nearby, dozing in a heap by my feet.
Tired this day

From a cold and not enough sleep. Walk Arlo 
By the wet field sides allowing the soft grays 
To envelope me

In quietness and stillness of color and sound.
Allowing myself to slip softly through the hours
Okay with myself.

11/5

Our dog, my dog now, is doing well. I helped again
A friend redo her shop’s walls with art from local artists.
A good thing.

Small times spent with others in various endeavors,
Which fill time well but not, not as well as it did with you.
I miss that.

11/4

Yesterday I did go see a doc I haven’t seen in four years.
I went because I am thinking, maybe I should care again
For me, maybe.

11/3

Our dog heals well, is happy today and I can only continue
To wonder how I keep this from happening again.
Can only do

All possible to keep him safe. Yet how safe are any of us. Really.
We are only so safe and ever skirting edges of a fragility ready to 
Reach up hard

And tumble us through passages that just may be capable 
Of taking us away permanently. Leaving those behind to
Ever cry silently.

11/2

Oh how hard I relied on you, and you on me, to present
A front, a solidarity of two who held each others back, were
Each our wingman.

It is hard, I can tell you, flying with only one wing, hard.
Hard to deal with the useless circling because of how I slowly 
Learn to compensate.

With you I knew always you would hold me up over rough 
ground. Now I must need ask others for help which is
Just so hard.

11/1

A quiet day here, taking care of our dog.
I speak of these moments to you as if you are nearby
Ready to hear

What I need to tell. Actually, I need to tell you
It is not always easy, and I stumble and wonder.
And miss you.

And learn to live with you only within and to rely
On only me without. It is often still confusing. Meanwhile,
Your dog heals.

10/31

Through these days Cooper has been not quite
his usual quiet self. Quiet yes, but slightly off put,
As am I

Without the third leg of our trio, our pack.
He comes along with me but always with 
A slight hesitation.

Early evening I bring Arlo home, stapled up,
Drugged and hurting, wobbling out of the car
Into our care.

10/30

In hospital, I visit our dog and I wonder,
How can I do here what I could not do for you?
Does it matter.


Earlier I vote and then go visit a gallery 
you once visited with me. She accepts 
my latest show

For a year from now. Time (oh more time beyond you)
To make it better, something I want to do, something I wish
You would see.

10/29

Kate Mcgarrigle’s Proserpina plays though my head
As I drive to the the pet emergency with our dog Arlo
How I remember,

How can I not remember that last such trip with you
And our Dover? But now, I am alone and all the decisions,
Everything, just mine.

Just mine now, just mine, just mine, just mine. Need, 
I tell you how much it hurts, how helpless to be now
Just me? No.

10/28

Will I ever meet another like you
No, and that no seeps beyond soul deep
Because it's true.

10/27

Our friends leave mid morning
I keep busy with things here and 
With my thoughts

I bounce between the past days
And day not here yet, touching
Here  so lightly

Too lightly, I make only small
Impressions where I need strength
To step strongly

10/26

Dinner prepared by all of us
Table set, wine poured, friends seated, this
Is my thanksgiving

10/25

A day spent with friends 
A simple thing for which I am
Just simply grateful. 

10/24

A good morning spent with a friend
Talking paint, enjoying time with her, 
A good day 

Then a fine afternoon as our friend, his girl 
Arrived, more time to enjoy them, a new bed,
I slept well.

10/23

Busy these days doing things around here
Dogs to a new groomer, finally sweep
The house clean. 

10/22

I mourn still,
Mourn quietly, deeply, the life with you
I have lost.

It seeps through my days,
My nights with dedication, deliberation 
Past my needs 

To sorrow with now a soft grief.
Constant, consistent, continual, how would 
I miss that?

10/21

The day has passed beyond evening into night,
A light sweater is nice but the windows are open.
It is raining.

Sweet, soft, windless droplets patter beyond the panes,
A tangled tattered background beat that is so quietly
Soothing to me,

Reminding me of the kindness of this universe 
We all inhabit, with its astounding beauties
And astonishing graces.

10/20

Resolve, I seem to have acquired a bit,
A result of this trip. There are things I
Wish for myself

Now, that I have given little consideration.
Now, not only may I allow, but actually seek
How to continue,

How to take my life’s decisions with joy
And goodness, not without you but with you 
always within.

10/19

A long drive from South Carolina,
Listening to the wonderful music by
Mary Chapin Carpenter.

She's right it doesn't take much
To be happy. Finally I am home, sitting,
Watching the sun 

Set on a weekend of allowance.
Perhaps you know what l’ve done, if so
Also know why.

10/18

All life's a challenge and a chance. 
I have these days very much
Experienced the both.

I did not come in unaware of possibilities
Both good and not so. Thus am fine with 
The outcomes learned,

As I can live with my own shortcomings 
In a way good for me. However, still,
I miss you.

10/17

Past childish, girlish fantasies, met
A friend, who however unwittingly, allowed
Me to learn

More about myself. About consequences of pasts
About acknowledgement that things in future
Can be different.

This is what I hoped to discover: that on
So many levels, the choice of how to go on
Really is mine

10/16

A friend gave a gift of wondrous music,
Which accompanied me on this long drive, giving
Grief thoughtful contemplation.

10/15

“When I’m old and gray, 
I want to have a house by the sea. 
And paint,

With a lot of wonderful chums, 
good music, and booze around.
And a damn 

good kitchen to cook in.” 
A quote worth repeating
by Ava Gardner

10/14

More cooking, more time spent talking,
Walking, painting. How wonderful having
The ocean near.

10/13

Paint during the day on the second deck
Cook and chat and then walk the shoreline
Into the evening.

10/12

Clouds lift en-masse into the blue sky, 
Hazed in subtle colors as they move
Towards the horizon.

Below the seas march on the shore leaving
Criss-crossed backwash reflecting the sky
Which I paint.

10/11

With a friend spend the morning through afternoon
Not doing much, sightseeing,  stocking for the place,
A lazy day,

The ocean here is larger, prancing along the coast,
Keeping step as we walk the strand, barefoot,
And wind whipped.

Later a storm lashed by the gales and carrying
Thunder and rain and my dog is left shaking
In my arms.

10/10

I hold horses for the blacksmith as ever I did
Listening to his tales and gossips as ever
Did any blacksmith

I have known. And then I leave for another 
shore, driving as the day deepened
Into complete darkness,

Wending my way south to this other place
Where the sea slaps the shore in continuous
Told you so's.

10/9

Readying to travel again; between that prep
Do barn work, hard work that early-on left
Me in tears.

To no longer be doing it for our life together,
Hurt so hard. Today I know hurt still, yet, I know 
Also, simply the

Doing because it needs doing. So, although I miss 
So much the doing for us, there is also now the 
Doing for here.

10/8

Today’s task was simply. or not so simply,
To groom our dogs into some semblance 
Of acceptable appearance.

This may not sound like much but
These last few weeks, they have been 
Left to wallow.

Happily, but lately not presentable. Now? 
They are washed and brushed and still look
Like hyper-active kids.

10/7

I wrangle with this question, what do with
Just me alone. How to embrace single
Without being lonely. 

How my thoughts do sabotage my days,
Feeling these lone hours just fall short of those 
Spent with others,  

As however poor that time may be, it must be better. 
I can’t agree. But also can not yet fully accept so much 
Alone is fine. 

Perhaps because  I have yet to find a way 
To be single and to also share in a way that eases 
My soul well.

10/6

Spend the day cleaning the studio
It is so empty, with little on the walls
I am left

With my thoughts eddying in my skull.
These past weeks, this show has
Kept me occupied

Well, indeed. Now I wonder, again, what
Am I here to do now that I do not have you,
Just me alone?

10/5

I watch evening deepen from your bench
With dogs nearby, no deer seen
I am tired.

But a different tired. I am sorry 
my emotions got me this week but 
I miss you. 

This weekend did not go quite as I hoped. 
But really did fine in that so many 
responded to it. 

Your soul would be happy
With all that happened. 
I miss you, 

But am content to sit out here as the light
Diminishes, an owl hoots, here, home
Easing my soul. 

10/4

Friends came and took me to lunch
Others came through while I worked
More paintings sold. 

And it is a beautiful show, exactly 
As I envisioned it to be, the day just
Doesn't have you.

10/4

I will fill in the missing days, which had hope
Meanwhile 27 years ago we married this day
I fail again

10/3

A long day, enough people at the opening
But not enough who willing to buy.
I miss you

Not being here to help and buoy me up. 
To remind me of all the old friends who did come. 
To hug me,

I am disappointed that more paintings
Did not sell, however much people expressed delight, I 
Did want sales

10/2

A longer day than I wanted it to be
Before heading out on the road again
I am tired

And hoping so much that this show
I've put a fair bit into goes well 
But who knows

I've done my best and feel very good
About how it works. But who knows what
Others will think

10/1

Home doing last minute things
And trying to pull the house
Together a bit

9/30

A quick stop to the gallery
in the morning. Everybody is
Excited about it!

The other artists like the concept
Enjoy looking at the work, all of it
For-sale or not

9/29

How quickly the hours
Of the day did go, rushing for
Last minute things

And then late in the day how 
Nicely my show came together
With friends' help

9/28

Quiet enough Sunday
Work the gallery chat with people, waiting to
Hang my show.

9/27

A day spent finishing printing and doing web stuff,
Not sure how that will help as it seems contingent 
on many friends

And more acquaintances for one to reach, 
My list for both is limited. It is late, again when 
Finally I sleep.

9/26

Worried will it all fit, so clean, box and label
The paintings, then pack the car, take a break
Dinner with friends.

9/25

Still behind, still plugging through
Not much to write about as more needs
To be done

9/24

Everything I have done today 
Should’ve been finished weeks ago,
I am behind

9/23

Our friend leaves out early 
I am into the studio getting ready
For a show.

The last of the paintings are done
I have considered where they will go
In the gallery.

Paintings are done, I’m doing the pr I can,
Not a strong suit, and all I can think of,
Will anyone come.

9/22

We sit and talk about plans for his house,
Where to put the veranda, what pavers,
Making it home.

He is another of my friends who has just decided
And moved. Checked an area out and found it good,
And is going

What keeps me here?Why? Yet, where would
I want to go? What I want is to be here, with you.
Just not possible

9/21

Friends are walking in NYC for climate change
I am there in spirit, glad to hear from afar, as
I drove home.

These last few times I have left in a rush 
And needed to leave behind the go-go’s
I come home

To a very messy house and spend most 
Of the day cleaning and cooking as a friend
Is coming in.

9/20

However much I give consideration to traveling 
Less I am not and at least wish the travel were 
Spread out more

And yet, much as I wish for time where I live,
Too often time tends to stretch and dull,
Making me edgy.

9/19

Last paiting of this week and for the series.
We’re off for lobster, leave this, like many things, like me, 
Not finished, yet.

9/18

This is another delightful interlude and soon
All these friends go back to their own lives,
Their own families.

It has hurt in the past because you were
My whole family and now you are gone and 
I am alone.

Going back to solitary, which does still hurt,
But no longer in the same parts. I miss you and
I want more.

9/17

Painting is usually such a solitary thing
Yet I have found I like having others near,
Especially painting friends

9/16

In an ocean side resort several friends meet
To do art and to do togetherness
To do friendship

9/15

To walk beautiful city streets filled with life
Of all degrees, to walk in perfect air is
A wondrous thing

9/14

Early to rise and off on the road
A stop here and on to NYC to
See pure magic

It is, magic, to see anothers; creation
come to life before you in a whimsical way
filled with purity

Of thought and design and composition
Such that you are literally spellbound,
Transfigured in beauty

9/13

Some good painting, some good sales.
Some time spent with a friend is
The best time

9/12

Painting with a friend again this particular
Event, again mostly enjoying just the
Time spent together.

9/11

How do we not now remember this date.
How do we remember? With sorrow and
Sadness and hope.

9/10

Neap day, one visitor leaving,
Another coming, I address small cares
Around the house