For twenty of the past twenty-three days I have found Time to paint, glad for the hours in the studio, steady To every task I set on the easel. Each day given to morning exercises Doing something I love: small paintings of animals, All a spark Towards not only gaining proficiency in handling Subject and paint but, perhaps, small a start to being Present with purpose.
Morning blocked in the squirrel as I had the rabbit, Narrow values and subtle color to underpin all. Seems to work, And I like how I am able to paint back and over The undercoat it produces. Started the hawk over Using this method. I do not like being lonely, but am getting to again Not mind being alone, to see hints of the contentment I once enjoyed.
Painted through the morning, another critter, The hawk that busted a window a few years ago. Not quite right. Blocked in fine but didn’t quite get the drawing, So struggled with that through out the session. Got it better. Had dinner with a friend again as he does not do alone well while his wife is traveling. Fine for me, Like eating out.
On one level, a day for in house, workers Patch and repair, ceilings, sky lights, doors, All just maintenance. On another level, move through the day, still As an alone person, who feels she is just starting To feel Possible On a third level, a day able to shrug on, comfotably, More of this place, while recognizing some will just Never fit again.
Up early to paint just outside, the soft morning Shadows thrown across the fallow fields before The sun clouded. Painted in the studio, ran errands and kept busy Around the house, dinner with a friend and then A quiet evening.
It has been good to start each day with A text sent to friends: "Good morning all, And paint on." It has been good to settle right to the easel, Pick a subject, decide on composition, prep, Pick up brushes, And work for a few hours, giving each painting Time, consideration and thought, hoping these carry Through the day.
Since you have been gone, my sense of balance For life has not been good. Each day I step out hoping A path clears And I am able again to swing into life as once I did Beside you. I miss being able to lean on you in this new Finding my way. But making a good life and in so doing, a place for painting, Pets, others if they wish to share, perhaps is the path back to Home for me.
When in doubt do the active thing, not the passive. I am prone to the latter and not giving myself credit For the former. An attitude due re-considering, which I have started With painting, at least something, each day these Last two weeks. Small bit of active, but movement none the less. Now to add to it, paint what I love and take time For skills needed.
What do I need to prove now? What, to whom, why? I really do not need to prove anything to anyone, any more. My Dear approved. I need now to not look for approval but to recognize where I am allowing it unnecessarily and where I should allow it happily. What do I want, what will make me content, will allow My life to be better, sweeter. For me, a good life, this I could approve.
Four years, it has been over four years since you died. Four years, enough time to earn a degree in higher schooling. Or four years To pass through grade school. I have learned what? That after four years I have barely the skills to live of A fourth grader To cope with the life I am now in. But I have learned, Sometimes, barely will do, will give space, until perhaps One can do.
How graced I was, living with you. But now? I am alone. I am occupied, with painting and upkeep here, That needs doing. More than I want, but there is much time for it, also for Contemplating what I need now. Don't know what yet, but Have some idea What it is not. It may be that solitude and being alone Will be my fate without you. With that I'll live if need be, but Not with isolation.
Errands kept me running all day and out of the studio Until the afternoon. Glad for the sunshine all day but It is chilly. I have been cold all day, painting some, doing chores, Missing warmth and not so glad to be only with Company of pets. Meeting others, never something I have done well, and Now, facing the facts that I need become accustomed To being alone.
This I know: It is often lonely now, but I am Moving in the solitude that leaves with more ease And hopefully, courage. Often, this feels like looking through binocs backwards, Towards a too distant view that looks beautiful, but Not very attainable. Perhaps it isn’t. Still, while it is the direction I now go, I wish also to craft the steps along the way with grace, Love and fulfillment.
What I decided to do while driving last week? What does it mean, to put myself in the shafts, To rein in, And look for discipline and order? To take myself In hand and consider what I am going to do? What I want? Well, it does mean I need now be willing to run this road I am traveling on my own. My own. To own both the bad And the blessing.
Morning exercises, started again but this time With more concern, I hope, for what I need, what I like painting. So wanted to do a mammal and this bunny fit. Happy with it, stayed with me as I continued Through the day Doing needed errands and considering how To expand my thoughts and self into the sweet Solitude of hours.
Last Sunday while driving and later when wide Awake, I considered what I need to do, what Will now help. Today I rose and did small chores before Starting a simple painting of the evening skies Behind the house. Followed by considering what I wished to do next Which was talk with friends and have Dinner with neighbors.
Perhaps my flight was too early but had its good sides: I am home in time to pick up a loaner car and treat a friend lunch. Home in time to tidy, see dogs and sun set and settle, Just happy to be home. Realizing this feeling is more ethereal than I thought. I am fine to be home. As ever I was with you. That was The sweetest I’ll ever know but, now? Perhaps I can be Just happy home.
The Studio at Line's End Farm is where I paint and try to find some joy again, and some equilibrium, not simple these days. One weblog records thoughts, ideas, methods and mixtures, palettes, observations, actually anything that intrigues me concerning my painting and working in the studio. Another observes only the horse in paintings that I find influential. The last are done for my sanity. All are my opinion only, open to other suggestions.