Saturday, December 31, 2011


Have walked the beaches of my childhood on
This last day of what has been all told, just
Another without you.

Gray Clouds and mists shroud the bay,
White swans glide now, as never did years ago,
Graceful, fluid moments

That reflect well the sadness held that arcs
Through thoughts and soul, softly swirling and
Cupping my heart.

Friday, December 30, 2011


A day spent with two good friends in a town
I knew in youth when all was ahead and I did
Enjoy the day.

Thursday, December 29, 2011


Read today of a character who mused that
"Making love" was possible only for those
In "new ventures",

Of not seeing how such could ever be possible
Between couples long together .... gawd is she
Ever so wrong.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


Overheard some one calling their pet and hearing
That name, unselfconsciously spoken, hear also the
Connection of family.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Met with an old colleague, old friend.
He has a presence that has mellowed well
Good to see.

Monday, December 26, 2011


Spent the day drawing, talking, seeing
A movie, just hanging around, nothing grand,
But still good.

Sunday, December 25, 2011


On this morning the sun rises
Above mists lifting off the bay
In sublime beauty.

Saturday, December 24, 2011


So often I have watched others
Effortlessly maneuver through my kitchen.
Just doing neatly.

As, on this day, neatly did I, helping a cousin.
And he allowed, gave sympathy on being alone, my
Gift from him.

Friday, December 23, 2011


Driving some more today and shopping,
Where ever my mother wishes to go.
Fine by me.

Thursday, December 22, 2011


A quick trip to see your sister,
To see she is in good spirits, just
To see her.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


It is warm here for December as I walk these roads.
This beach I knew as a child. Walk alone now with
Just our dogs.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Another day traveling, an easy enough day
Considering all, little traffic, a quiet drive
With my dogs.

Time to pay attention to the road, considering
all moving near...considering each moment is
What I do.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Sunset 4:45 - two years ago we thought
Caught quick, the start of your recovery, our
Life to resume.

Sunset 4:45 - a year ago memory starts
Thoughts traveling this awful route that
Ended me alone.

A day spent in company of friends, and
Alone with tears, did sit this evening to watch
sun set - 4:45.

Saturday, December 17, 2011


An evening with friends met in a quaint town for
dinner and listening to a band that I only knew
you did like

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


To have loved and to have been so loved. So, for what is
Lost, tears taste bitter. For waht was love, tastes sweet and
Sweet salts memory.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


for a friend:

There once was a writer who knew
What placing precisely comas could do,
However blue she might feel
Could write of happiness so real,
Readers would think just how she wanted them to.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


This season I miss you no less, more in fact
This evening in that leather chair I sit,
Cat on lap,

Candles lit everywhere giving a soft light to this
Time I only wish to contemplate in the flames
That gentles edges.

Our dogs sleep near, in this company, in this light
Do the tendrils of hope stir. I hold your heart now
Cupped in mine.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011


Fun for living, tears for life, ah how we channel, well, love.
Grief, yes, sorrow, hurt and hardship but also love. Do not
Tears channel love?

So tears for those saddened can be a release needed, except,
Who wants to see another sad? But, we are and we do, well,
Things like cry.

But, hey, mostly cry alone, in our cars, drive, music, cry. We hurt,
We miss and long for, and we cry. And if I am not shedding a tear,
Well, who is?

Saturday, December 3, 2011


Doing what I can as I can, recognizing small gifts
With small gasps of thanks. Small may be all I have,
Small step, breathe.

It is a start days when a breath feels an eternity,
A step breaches canyons and the caring of others?
Bittersweet when compared.

But what a sweet small kindness is the caring of others.
And how important are not small kindness given to each of
Us, small beings?

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Eight minutes until sunset
It rests in the far line of treetops
Ready to drop.

Cried much of the three hours driving back,
Here, home for a time, not knowing how little
Time you had.

Gone now, the light left a soft grayed
Blue-white of old oriental porcelain, color
Of time passed.

Friday, November 25, 2011


Rode the little yellow horse with friends.
Every time I swing a leg over a saddle
I remember you.

Sun has set over the river marshes leaving
The soft winter colors to slowly fade and
I remember you.

Quiet enough to hear distant neighbors, tractors,
Sibilant murmurations as small flocks wing over, all remind
Me of you.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Walked the weedy paths this cool morning,
Hearing trees creak and on high a red hawk calls:

On the inward turns, wish for reminders that friends, far or near
Care. The dogs romp through glowing plumed grasses and
A reminder comes.

On the outward turns, hope to meet the day with grace, with
Contentment. The sun-washed air so clear, is soft, sweet and I
Can look forward.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Revisiting holidays, need change, not to ignore but to reflect
How time moves. We all have dates, holidays that have meant much.
(Opening Day, Fenway)

Now left with a desire to reinvent, reinstate, remodel these dear dates,
Reminded not even He (or She) did it all in a day, for sure, nor will I,
Oh thank-god!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Allow the laughter, the corollary to the tears,
Allow friends well met to give comfort and allow
This takes time

Monday, November 21, 2011


Part of this journey is learning to breathe past the being scared
And taking hold, however much we would rather just let it all
Go pass us.


Perhaps I thought would I would be firmly decided
On the next course of my life, whatever that
Is to be.

Thought I'd have not only a better idea of what it was
But a mapped out strategy to stride confidently along,
Good with myself.

Instead, here I am, while able to consider past "dinner"
Still feeling so overwhelmed by all that is out there and of
Going it alone.


Conflicting thoughts of what I want,or think I want;
Do I even know what I am thinking? And then fear
Starts niggling in.

What am I doing with this life left? This is rhetorical,
We all ask similar, always have. It is doing it alone
That is scary.

Where did I think I'd be, not yet there. True north was
The two of us, my compass is wonky, even if it no longer stays
"South" as long.

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Several weeks of traveling to paint under a master
Several weeks of spending time in the city
With my go-gos.

Guests of a friend and her dog, we all learn new skills.
For me, new competence painting, tired from travel but
Glad for friends.

Friday, November 18, 2011


An idea that started in that other dearest life
Is coming to fruition in this one. Who'da thunk?
A simple gift.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


It is a silly thing to enjoy this labyrinth mowed out
Of a weedy field with its myriad waving grasses!
Go-go's walk along,

As I watch fishing boats move on the river, hear the
Neighbor's sheep beyond the trees and feel the field
Has now purpose.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


Woke this morning to early morning mists and took
The go-go's for a walk through the dewy paths
Along the woodline.

The horses stood catching the first rays of sun
As it broke through the fog, steam rising eerily
Off their backs.

Parts of the bean crop are down, looking like
Paths made for giants, the whole long, dawn
Field looking magical.

Monday, November 14, 2011


A two-folly day. First was walking the simple mowed track,
Made me feel empowered, this silly little thing is mine
And is fun.

Then, a symbol of affection left at my door, unwanted,
Seen as a threat to my equilibrium, however ridiculous
That may be.

Only beginning to claim being on my own, to do, be with
Only what and with whom I choose, not looking far on, it is
Only me now.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


With more time on my hands then sense,
Did something have wanted for three houses back,
Mowed a labyrinth.

A wild grasses simple seven-turn labyrinth wide for two
(Or not) to walk along tall weedy borders, next year, perhaps
Flowers and herbs.

Saturday, November 12, 2011


After a weekend in the city, our dogs revel
In the joy of free movement romping, rolling
Through tall grasses.

Friday, November 11, 2011


Cry quietly, or screaming, cry to the skies and beyond. Then
Scrub eyes, screw up courage to face the world, saying: I'm fine,
Thank-you very much.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


It is up to each of us to keep the web of friend, family, support
Going. And realize the time has come, I need call more or very few
Will call me.

It does take time, and I am under the weather, and effort to keep
One's self in others' lives. Not "good" living, just me trying to figure
Out living now.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


A murmuration, have seen them often over these marshes.
Jack saw one only once, wonder on his face, that morning in January
Almost two years ago.

A mumuration, so aptly like the soft sound of blackbirds
Whirling in exquisite waves that cloud the skies in twittering
Veils of prayer.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Morning a long-legged fox trotted up the drive, loped
By the door and off along the pasture fence heading
To the woodline.

Evening came and I rode with a friend
Along the farm roads and pass the combines
Under a child's moon.

How slow to realize happy as we were to be alone together;
How miserable now I could be alone
Holding the pain.

Monday, November 7, 2011


Not sure where I expected to be this far out, certainly
Not with these feelings of quiet, dragging sadness, but
I'm all right.

Or right enough for facing what life is now. Hmmm,
To those who have said think of the adventure, of all
The new chances,

Well, yes, there is that aspect, but also that change
Is not always wondrous or good, that the pain may
Diminish, not disappear.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


As the sun set, hacked home on the good old white horse, thinking
Of good company, good food and saw a bushy bright red fox racing over
The sheep fields.

Saturday, November 5, 2011


In five minutes more the sun will set at 5:59
And tonight it is windy and cool, clear air across
The mile marshes.

Returned from the city and a fine session painting,
Back with our dogs and a cold for company, first
In three years...

Or more, but the first without having someone who
Loves me, cared and was near. I exxagerate, it is
Only a cold.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I worship the sun, not for a tan but
For the evening ritual that is my last, lasting
Tie with you.

In the cooling, it has been two falls since we
Enjoyed this season. I do not "kept" as well
As did you.

Much as I do not as well as you, as I did with you,
I keep slogging on, looking for equilibrium, looking for
A good life.

Monday, October 31, 2011


Here, as usual whenever I can, I sit beneath
The river birch on your bench. It is a cool, dusky
Evening darkening sooner.

Halloween, no expectations of trick or treat,
Decade since we need prepare, so the dogs play and
I sip wine.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


A day with the 15th - 17th c paintings of the National Gallery
Wandering among great painters and noticing sweet details
To bring home.

Meant to sketch, a Van Dyke portrait, but got so caught
In all the marvelous touches these painters, had time to draw
Only for minutes.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


You were my closest frind, my husband.
For a time my best friend was a horse, Rowan. Now
Loneliness supplants all.

Now it is there when I wake, less than company,
Now is no one who cares for me or I for them, not
As with you.

Heralding hour on hour, see only drawn days that
Stretch pass my ability to make contact, leaving me
Wrapped in loneliness

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


Today another spoke of grieving through to joy,
Not pain. We shared love and wished only good
For each other.

You are not with me here, but knowledge of love,
Ours, holds steady, holds me still. For this I
Will choose joy.

Monday, October 24, 2011


The skies are clear green and cerulean brushed
By clouds pinked and purpled. The barn cat purrs
While rubbing me.

Starlings flock south, the dogs romp and roll,
A soft evening of color, temp, good night as the
Sun slips down.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


Whenever home, here I sit to watch
the sun set and the stars rise while
Clouds reflect beauty.

Colors so strong and marvelous as were you
ANd all the places where, in comfort, in sweetness,
Our lives twined.

Saturday, October 22, 2011


Rousted five deer out of the beanfields.
Go-go's stayed close while the sun set, am
Back for awhile.

Learning to live alone is one thing as
I so miss the presence of a person who
Is good company.

Friday, October 14, 2011


Traveling again, doing an art show, variation
On what you watched me do years ago.
Missed your help.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


Spent the day prepping for a show while
Listening, dancing to music I knew before
I knew you.

Monday, October 10, 2011


Clouds stringing across the sky are purple
Presences against which the first ochre
Of geese wing

Before the sun slipping down in a splendor
Of molten golds, reds and oranges while a sky
Of cerulean blue

Deepens through cobalt and ultramarine to night
Still warm enough for mosquitoes, still I miss the
Presence of you.

Sunday, October 9, 2011


Been thinking of the dynamics around the idea
Of moving towards, which some think is about time.
What about you?

Been listening to the whirr of small birds flying,
How this pleased you, too, and how you are
Ever with me.

Friday, October 7, 2011


This eve, Yom Kippur starts, day of atonement
Yes I am not so familiar with this high day as perhaps
I should be.

Yet do feel a need to amend, to atone, to seek
Forgiveness, this I do know, do wish, from
And to you.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Worked around here, then dinner with friends.
Good to be welcomed there with friendship
And tasty food.

Gave me a CD to hear on the ride home, listened
To an arrangement of an oldie.....papa was
A rolling stone....

And when he died, all he left us was alone...
(I am grateful for friends' support) but how
True this feels.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


The sun has set along the river marshes And out
of the west, under a clear sky darkening through blues,
Cerulean to indigo,

In an absence of clouds, hear many geese settling
For the evening. We so loved to hear, to see them,
Harbingers of fall.

Yesterday a milestone once we so looked forward to,
this year I let pass with only my tears, only my
Own solitary company.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


Rode the old white horse this evening, took the dogs
And meandered along the back hay fields to
The farm roads.

While the old fellow grazed, thought of life now.
There is much good in it, you made it
So, even now.

Dealing with it, mostly feel the direction is
Still "away", yet there is a slight turn now
Of moving "towards".

I am surprised how vague, how undefined that is.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


This evening sat on an outerbanks dune looking over the atlantic
watching the day close, the drama of clouds while wind and surf
Roared past me.

In the cottage behind are friends. While I have believed that the
Circle of a decade would have you ever in my heart, never no longer
By my side.

As tears fall, I pull the wrap closer round Memories of us in my
Heart. The spiral has rounded to this place, a step removed but held
Dearer than that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


On a fall evening not long after the towers fell,
I sat on the south rim of the Grand Canyon watching
The evening fall,

The colors in the clouds, the rainstorms move far off.
The breath of wind on my face heralding
A coolness coming

And the quiet softness only emphasizing the space.
Behind, in the cottage you lay reading, waiting, love
Of my heart.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Have read of cultures that believe life is a spiral movement,
More than a circle, never closed. I do not know, but, at times
Either seems good.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I have no family and do not know if moving would give this,
Have a sense of support of friends here still their lives are
Not my own.

Part of the problem, I miss the sense of the two we were.
Now, only me. And I want not to be only an addendum to the
Life of others.

Monday, September 5, 2011


I like having space around me,
Probably not wise to think I "need" such but I do
Really want it.

Maybe not sensible but I have lost Jack,
I am not ready to give away this sense, this
Need of space.

Why should I if I need not. I have that allowance
for now and the fact Jack shared here where now
I live alone.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Making a decision is better than not making one,
There is then at least a point from which to move,
I've been told.

But sitting on the fence is also a point,
And perhaps a point to move from with less
Damage to control.


Moving as a couple with you I could do easily.
Even leaving friends, changing much, the core remained,
You and I.

With that anywhere was possible, even if not preferable.
Now? As half, it is so difficult, just about impossible to consider,
Never mind decide.

And perhaps that is part of what is going on: I am still the sorry
Half left of a wonderful whole. How can I think that I could
Make a good decision?

Friday, September 2, 2011


Now there's some comfort here, a steady point to move from,
To change, to make decisions from the support of what
We did together.

True, as time goes on, decisions become all mine alone.
Perhaps I am coming closer to the one concerning
Where I live.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


This is the last place I have with you. We may have stayed.
Now, just me, do I stay as it is easier? Harder is deciding to move
On my own

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


We found places with plenty of spaces for just each other.
I would write "we" again, we have moved...the truth now
Is closer to:

I did move several times, not always ready to go, not done
Seeing, being in the place, whatever place it was we lived.
Perhaps not done

Now with the beauty, privacy, comfort and knowing once
I leave here, never again will I live in a place where "we" made
A life together.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


At times I feel I can go on, hurt and halved but
Able to grow because of you. The flip side is darker.
And I feel:

Got lucky in an instant, then long loved by you.
But where have you gone, and I have my doubts will
I be welcome.

Monday, August 29, 2011


Perhaps we would've stayed here, liked the area, friends
Finding ourselves in our work. Not careers, yours always more
Viable than mine!

But our work, I loved the studios (studios!) at Line's End Farm!
Loved you had a marvelous space in which to think, to create
And to work.

Loved being able to hang your work on our walls, use it.
It will ever hurt that this path
Was cut short.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Held within myself, lifted, even in sorrow, that
You did love me, you did never take that for granted.
What a gift.

Saturday, August 27, 2011


Waiting, these few days for Irene to land, in two places.
A hurricane reflects my quandary while here and there
Feel this storm.

Friday, August 26, 2011


Feel I am coming to a space needed,
Where this faction of grief can be placed safe.
It is not you,

It is, though, that the life you and I moved towards.
Now, towards what am I moving? Perhaps time is here
To consider it.

Letting that dream go isn't easy, however impossible it is.
But the goodness, the strength, the love of you I carry all
You gave me.

Thursday, August 25, 2011


I do now need ask, what do I do? I would ask you
Help me here, even as I do wonder, where, what has
Become of you.

Do you care any longer for what happens here? Have
You moved on, perhaps as you should, to other perceptions,
Spaces of creations?

I cannot know. Are you so far away, I will never, ever,
Not only in this life but in what ever comes, be able
Follow, find you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


I do not dream of you, or even dream much, nothing
I can, wish to remember. I do wonder, where ever
Are you now?

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Watch the joy of my brother, his wife, their family and am
Ever so happy to sit, eat in their lovely yard, enjoy
Being their guest.

Perhaps more than a just a guest, this is fine with me.
I miss being family with you.
Alone is hard.

Alone, beginning to own it. Alone, not lonely. I choose alone.
A step that requires its due, considers what is
Good for me.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Dithering, I am a splendor of wavering such as you could not
Imagine, stuck hard in the what-ifs, still so uncertain, indecisive.
Make me wonder

Will ever I have strength, courage to step out and become,
Well, that is the problem,
All need answering.

Where the strength to, not go it alone, you have given me much
That fulfills still, but how the daily steps, maybe small, mine
Alone to do.