Wednesday, December 31, 2014


You, gone almost five years, now what?
Thought I'd have made so many new 
Changes by now,

Instead everyone else I know has. Not me.
Still live here. Why? Easier than moving? 
Still I wonder, 

Where would I go, where I will go. 
Perhaps time to start wondering: where do 
I want to be.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Four years out, what have I decided, done?
Still in the same house. It was “ours” but
That time’s over. 

Perhaps I’ve needed to see that written. 
It was our house. Now? It is only my house. 
I've done what? 

I paint more. Health? Had to go down that hole
And I’ll pay for it. I write and I dance around 
What I do want. 

Monday, December 29, 2014


Another day of visiting,  an old
Riding friend in her lovely bungalow
Of comforting spaces,

Places to rest with tea while discussing 
pottery, painting, writing, extinctions, and
Contributing to landfills.

Speaking of the chastity of goddesses
The powers of choices and the 
Comforts of friendships.

Sunday, December 28, 2014


Dinner with friends of ours, 
Back from their holiday travels, calling
Me come over,

Asking how are things. So I visited
A few sweet hours for wine and pasta
And catching up.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


Without friends, I would have had a dire time.
But I need to recognize, they are friends first
And be grateful

For what they are, not dismayed 
At what they may not be, nor append
Myself to them.

Being alone, is mine to consider 
How to resolve and how to move on
Happy within me.

Friday, December 26, 2014


This time, being in this house has allowed
Me room to think about my circumstances
and living alone

Allowed because there is company here,
And companionship is good for soul and body,
I know that

But also know learning to be on my own
Is a lesson now needed. I can make it
Hard or not.

Thursday, December 25, 2014


Glad to be with my mom this day
Glad to see my brother’s family.
A simple day

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


Christmas eve dinner with cousins
Awful cold started on top of bad chinese
Need better planning

Tuesday, December 23, 2014


Hard day traveling as going south 
To north always leaves the worst 
Roads for last.

Monday, December 22, 2014


Floor in the bedroom is done
Freshly painted, the walls still bare,
A new look.

No time to hang pictures and I like
The plain, blank walls surrounding me
In green quiet.

Time enough later to decide what
Will go up again, now time to pack again
And to sleep.

Sunday, December 21, 2014


Home late to do much but unpack, 
tired from driving, tired from being
now always outside.

What am I going to do about this?
How am I going to have a good life?

I don’t know.

Don’t know how, where, when Only 
know it is time to take hold, how? only,
I can learn.

Saturday, December 20, 2014


Came up for a party two doors down
That was fun. Before helped put up
A Christmas tree.

Friday, December 19, 2014


Tired when I left this afternoon
Too much to do and not enough time
To do so.

Stay with my friend, we go out to dinner,
She has so much happening in her life,
I so little.

Tired to bed and my dogs settle quietly
Beside my bed, yet I know, they are tired
Of traveling, too.

Thursday, December 18, 2014


Dinner with friends, who remember you
And spoke kindly of you. Thankful
For this, yet,

Feeling tired and dried out, drained 
Of enthusiasm any initiative I have swept
To the curb.

On the evening of that eighteenth, 
I slept alone hopeful still of you healing
Five years ago.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


Have finished painting our room, now,
My room, and there I shall sleep, yet again, now,
Always, without you .

Tuesday, December 16, 2014


Yet sleep was not good last night.
Awake for hours in the wee hours,
Sleepy all day.

But took time to do some kepting,
Decluttering counters and such, 
House feels better.

Proxy for what I wish to do, this 
Cleaning and prepping for a future,
For the now.

Monday, December 15, 2014


Dinner with friends last night,
Good food, much laughter, talking.
Time well spent 

Finished painting the room today
Will sleep  tonight in a soft green haze,
And white sheets.

Dogs asleep on the rugs, 
Cat on her pillow, and me tucked
Deep into blankets.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


Walls  are taped and clean ready for paint.
Green, I’ve decided on a soft sage.
Tonight’s wine? Red.

Saturday, December 13, 2014


Met a few women in a book club.
Thought to meet a few new folks,
Read the book,

Not a light book. Lunch and light chat, 
A lot about meeting others, about 
Alone-ness, loneliness and

Fixing that. Maybe, only these 
Methods mostly had no appeal.
Made me think

Am I lonely? Yes, but grasping 
What gives my hours gratification,  
Gives sweeter pleasure.

Friday, December 12, 2014


I am stripping the walls
Of the bedroom, removing
The unwanted paper.

It is an easier thing to do
Altering simple things
In this house

Bringing to it a sense of serenity.
Not quite so, revising the aspirations
Of a life.

Thursday, December 11, 2014


Lines from a movie that
Hold true: How did he die?
In my arms.

How do I go on?
One awful day 
At a time.

Your path is as it should be.
My mind takes me down roads that 
Leave me nowhere

The roads are for journeys, not destinations. 
It is not enough to just survive. 
Life is precious.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014


Wanted this day alone, because
That is how I must learn to face life,
On my own,

Fasting this day, taking meds
Later a friend comes, will take her horse,
Tomorrow, the doc.

I need learn from her, do what is best 
For oneself first, not last. Should have said
No, not today.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


What do I want and why do I stay.
With the answers to these, where can
I not go?

Towards what horizons, new prospects
wait, how will perspectives change
Facing new transitions?

What do I want and why do I stay.
Time to search answers to surface, where
I am going.

Monday, December 8, 2014


For such a spell, have drifted in place, afraid,
Drifting and carrying a harsh fear since the 
day you died.

For in that moment any courage 
I had was swept away 
With your soul

By breaths learned again to breathe
By steps learning again that moments  
Can be good.

Sunday, December 7, 2014


Yes, I am hiding here, fine for a while, 
But now? Now why do I hide, 
And from what.

Life, a need to stay safe, only becoming stuck.
Did this myself and only I can rearrange it,
Not anyone else.

Hiding from deciding, must remember no 
Decision is one,  the question remains what
Do I want.

Saturday, December 6, 2014


Today before the welcomed rain 
Started I swept damp leaves 
From my decks.

This needed doing and I did so 
with a pleasant feeling of propriety.
This beautiful place

Deserves good keeping.
No longer do I so resent 
You not here 

Helping. Miss you deeply, but, 
More willingly now do these chores. 
A small step.

Friday, December 5, 2014


I have lived here 
Almost as long without you 
As with you.  

Have used living here 
More as a shield against living 
Than a place 

To get on with living. 
Of what am I afraid?
Of dying alone? 

Probably will happen. 
So why do I let that hold my life 
Hostage, stilled, damped? 

Still wonder what, beyond you, 
Still ties me here, binds me here 
Just hard enough  

To freeze me? Am I failing if I go, 
If I stay? Really, where do I 
Want to be?

Thursday, December 4, 2014


Have watched others change their lives.
All the while thought I would 
be the one 

Making new choices before anyone else.
Yet, just about everyone I know
Has made changes. 

Me?  I still live here. Why? 
Because that's easier to do than 
Trying to move. 

Where would I go?  Have wondered, where?
Perhaps the need is to ask where do 
I want to be.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


Into the Steppes of Genghis, by this friend’s relative.
What a delight to see it in the special film festival.
A wonderful eye, 

Sense of place and time, people and life, perfect. 
Enthralled by the story. Then a great dinner, 
With her brother 

Her family, so close. Could wish this, too, but, no, will 
Play this hand as best I can, mostly alone, yet also
Quiet and graced.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


It is good to be with this friend, painting.
Her life is really changing now as
Mine is not.

At least not solely by my choice. 
As I know choice is not always a given,
More a inducer.

I wish my friends goodness. I do not wish
Their crumbs of time or charity, even if that’s all
They have left.

Monday, December 1, 2014


Driving allows for thinking & crying
Not always either well but enough to see
Issues facing me. 

My friends are moving on to places,
Good places, and such places no longer include
 Me as much. 

My problem! Left adrift again and
Better learn to enjoy time alone &
My own company.