11/30

Grateful for a day spent with friend 
And family.  Grateful for the beauty 
In this life. 

Amazed at how life just keeps changing,
And uncertain. Amazed changes make me feel 
I'm left aside. 

Frightened of how lonely has returned
And deepened. Frightened my strengths fall short,
I'm just tired. 

11/29

Morning spent tracking down items
For her new home, spent just time
Being together

Went to see a house by the water but
In a place I can't see me. Lately there
Isn't such place

Beyond where we were last. And going
Beyond that alone as I am now is 
Just beyond wearying. 

11/28

Spend the night at a friends new place,
Dinner, movies and talking. My dogs sleep
By her bed. 

11/27

Left to do the child things: set table,
Fill water glasses, stay out 
Of the way. 

And I do so, as I watch the two swing 
Gracefully through their preparations with
Little help needed. 

Family comes, we eat and visit, all good. 
I clean and wash, put away dishes and
Stash my memories.

11/26

Not being part of this circle here
Has thrown me out of what little
Orbit I have.

So I am left doing nothing these days 
But skirt the rim of despair
Circling my soul.  

I have kept my place learning  
Living alone but must allow how 
Loneliness nips sharp.

11/25

Morning coffee with my mother,
Then my aunt arrives and they
Are very busy,

The two together in good harmony
And I realize how little I can or
Need to contribute. 

More deeply felt is the realization
How little I am needed here. Not that
I ever was.

11/24

Car loaded last night,
Wake early, call dogs,
Driving by 6:30.

11/23

Spent time settling myself and 
The house for leaving, little things so 
Returning is easier.

11/22

These days, for differing reasons 
Friends, health, are coming to a 
Differing of ways, 

But have in common: 
As I am not integral to others, 
I have not 

Considered my own health 
Integral to me. My own fault 
on all sides, 

As I haven’t the knack 
Anymore of asking for help or 
Being of help.

11/21

I have made one particularly bad choice 
These past years, that has gotten me, 
Yet, exactly how 

It will show, remains to be see. 
But health as I have known it is coming 
To a close,

As, all relationships between all things, 
Frankly, come to change to what seems 
best for them. 

Of course I jump to whatever 
Seems worst, without knowing 
All the details.

11/20

These long days, months, years I have learned
When the evening closes, it is me alone with hopes
Outweighed by fears.

For each step taken in light another is shadowed, 
Pulled back I am left wondering why and 
Where shall I go.

Oh for moments to hours again in contentment.
Dusted with happy enough to spill sweetly
Into morning next.

11/19

Put away part of the show I will use next year
I hope this exhibition will happen, some notice of
Where I live.

Clean around the studio and the kitchen,
Moving through this space, my space,
With certain familiarity,

But also, still, with a hesitation born of knowing
How it was with us here, and failing for just
Me content here.

11/18

Wake to clear blue skies
Pack my show into the back of the car.
Load dogs, go.

Stop to lunch with your old friend, now mine,
Still our financial advisor, his wife and daughter 
Make time, too.

I deliver a painting they bought,
That they are thrilled with. My book is
In his office.

11.17

An amazing amount of rain this day, water
Runs down the beautiful north window of
My friend’s studio.

Between errands, we paint, working while
Music and the patter of rain makes
Background noises perfect.

And "we" you must well know is not
A royal "we", more hurting, but  we, only the
Ordinary everyday "we".

11/16

Breakfast and good time spent in the morning.
Then head south to see a colleague’s open house.
Dinner with friends.

11/15

Help a friend move stuff in her house. 
We meet with a friend and her new beau for
Martinis and oysters.

11/14

Should have gotten on the road today but too tired,
Just wasn’t going to happen. I’m going, because?
I’m staying, because?

Because I still need to move, even as I know,
I need more often now to be still. An inner fight
Not always controlled.

11/13

Another draggy day
The hours slip by and I
Am hanging in.

For what, I can not always say.
Really? For what? For more 
Long hours alone?

Why does your death still affect
Me so? Why? Why? Because you are so
Twined into me.

11/12

Slept in and read through the morning,
A morning of mists and grayness
And warm blankets.

Cats snuggle and dogs sleep, then 
Friends come to plink at the back board.
I shot well.

Another evening with hours to spend,
Mostly okay alone but feel I am waiting,
But for what.

11/11

Read throughout the day, then prepare 
Dinner in a new tagine I just bought.
Spices and herbs

Mixed  into a marinade to make 
A Moroccan meal for a friend.
Food and wine,

A few hours of company,
An evening of conversation, then
Bed and book.

11/10

Got Arlo’s stitches out today and otherwise,
A quiet day spent puttering and just feeling spent
Another tired day.

11/9

A quiet day here,  cleaning and cooking.
I have little energy these days, probably
From a cold.

So I muddle through in slow motion,

Moving through this place wondering

Although its mine

Is this where I want to be, is it I still need 

To be here, then why? Where is my place

Where am I.

11/8

Rode with a friend, on that black horse,
Rode through the autumn day
Under clear skies

Do I still like here? On some levels, yes.
Yes, for the views, the space, the beauty, for
You having been

Here, and hate it for you being here now only
In my heart yet rode these paths remembering
You were here.

11/7

Checking into treatments, but 
Who can afford this? Cost more than most 
Have to retire.

Spent the evening at an art show
Showing support and seeing some friends
Before heading home.

Home, here, this is where I live
Home was always us and now only me.
Am I home?

11/6

A fine, rainy day and I puttered through out it inside,
The dogs nearby, dozing in a heap by my feet.
Tired this day

From a cold and not enough sleep. Walk Arlo 
By the wet field sides allowing the soft grays 
To envelope me

In quietness and stillness of color and sound.
Allowing myself to slip softly through the hours
Okay with myself.

11/5

Our dog, my dog now, is doing well. I helped again
A friend redo her shop’s walls with art from local artists.
A good thing.

Small times spent with others in various endeavors,
Which fill time well but not, not as well as it did with you.
I miss that.

11/4

Yesterday I did go see a doc I haven’t seen in four years.
I went because I am thinking, maybe I should care again
For me, maybe.

11/3

Our dog heals well, is happy today and I can only continue
To wonder how I keep this from happening again.
Can only do

All possible to keep him safe. Yet how safe are any of us. Really.
We are only so safe and ever skirting edges of a fragility ready to 
Reach up hard

And tumble us through passages that just may be capable 
Of taking us away permanently. Leaving those behind to
Ever cry silently.

11/2

Oh how hard I relied on you, and you on me, to present
A front, a solidarity of two who held each others back, were
Each our wingman.

It is hard, I can tell you, flying with only one wing, hard.
Hard to deal with the useless circling because of how I slowly 
Learn to compensate.

With you I knew always you would hold me up over rough 
ground. Now I must need ask others for help which is
Just so hard.

11/1

A quiet day here, taking care of our dog.
I speak of these moments to you as if you are nearby
Ready to hear

What I need to tell. Actually, I need to tell you
It is not always easy, and I stumble and wonder.
And miss you.

And learn to live with you only within and to rely
On only me without. It is often still confusing. Meanwhile,
Your dog heals.