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You, gone almost five years, now what?
Thought I'd have made so many new
Changes by now,
Instead everyone else I know has. Not me.
Still live here. Why? Easier than moving?
Still I wonder,
Where would I go, where I will go.
Perhaps time to start wondering: where do
I want to be.
Four years out, what have I decided, done?
Still in the same house. It was “ours” but
That time’s over.
Perhaps I’ve needed to see that written.
It was our house. Now? It is only my house.
I've done what?
I paint more. Health? Had to go down that hole
And I’ll pay for it. I write and I dance around
What I do want.
Another day of visiting, an old
Riding friend in her lovely bungalow
Of comforting spaces,
Places to rest with tea while discussing
pottery, painting, writing, extinctions, and
Contributing to landfills.
Speaking of the chastity of goddesses
The powers of choices and the
Comforts of friendships.
Dinner with friends of ours,
Back from their holiday travels, calling
Me come over,
Asking how are things. So I visited
A few sweet hours for wine and pasta
And catching up.
Without friends, I would have had a dire time.
But I need to recognize, they are friends first
And be grateful
For what they are, not dismayed
At what they may not be, nor append
Myself to them.
Being alone, is mine to consider
How to resolve and how to move on
Happy within me.
This time, being in this house has allowed
Me room to think about my circumstances
and living alone
Allowed because there is company here,
And companionship is good for soul and body,
I know that
But also know learning to be on my own
Is a lesson now needed. I can make it
Hard or not.
Glad to be with my mom this day
Glad to see my brother’s family.
A simple day
Christmas eve dinner with cousins
Awful cold started on top of bad chinese
Need better planning
Hard day traveling as going south
To north always leaves the worst
Roads for last.
Floor in the bedroom is done
Freshly painted, the walls still bare,
A new look.
No time to hang pictures and I like
The plain, blank walls surrounding me
In green quiet.
Time enough later to decide what
Will go up again, now time to pack again
And to sleep.
Home late to do much but unpack,
tired from driving, tired from being
now always outside.
What am I going to do about this?
How am I going to have a good life?
I don’t know.
Don’t know how, where, when Only
know it is time to take hold, how? only,
I can learn.
Came up for a party two doors down
That was fun. Before helped put up
A Christmas tree.
Tired when I left this afternoon
Too much to do and not enough time
To do so.
Stay with my friend, we go out to dinner,
She has so much happening in her life,
I so little.
Tired to bed and my dogs settle quietly
Beside my bed, yet I know, they are tired
Of traveling, too.
Dinner with friends, who remember you
And spoke kindly of you. Thankful
For this, yet,
Feeling tired and dried out, drained
Of enthusiasm any initiative I have swept
To the curb.
On the evening of that eighteenth,
I slept alone hopeful still of you healing
Five years ago.
Have finished painting our room, now,
My room, and there I shall sleep, yet again, now,
Always, without you .
