12/15

Dinner with friends last night,
Good food, much laughter, talking.
Time well spent 

Finished painting the room today
Will sleep  tonight in a soft green haze,
And white sheets.

Dogs asleep on the rugs, 
Cat on her pillow, and me tucked
Deep into blankets.

12/14

Walls  are taped and clean ready for paint.
Green, I’ve decided on a soft sage.
Tonight’s wine? Red.

12/13/14

Met a few women in a book club.
Thought to meet a few new folks,
Read the book,

Not a light book. Lunch and light chat, 
A lot about meeting others, about 
Alone-ness, loneliness and

Fixing that. Maybe, only these 
Methods mostly had no appeal.
Made me think

Am I lonely? Yes, but grasping 
What gives my hours gratification,  
Gives sweeter pleasure.

12/12

I am stripping the walls
Of the bedroom, removing
The unwanted paper.

It is an easier thing to do
Altering simple things
In this house

Bringing to it a sense of serenity.
Not quite so, revising the aspirations
Of a life.

12/11

Lines from a movie that
Hold true: How did he die?
In my arms.

How do I go on?
One awful day 
At a time.

Your path is as it should be.
My mind takes me down roads that 
Leave me nowhere

The roads are for journeys, not destinations. 
It is not enough to just survive. 
Life is precious.

12/10

Wanted this day alone, because
That is how I must learn to face life,
On my own,


Fasting this day, taking meds
Later a friend comes, will take her horse,
Tomorrow, the doc.

I need learn from her, do what is best 
For oneself first, not last. Should have said

No, not today.

12/9

What do I want and why do I stay.
With the answers to these, where can
I not go?

Towards what horizons, new prospects
wait, how will perspectives change
Facing new transitions?

What do I want and why do I stay.
Time to search answers to surface, where
I am going.

12/8

For such a spell, have drifted in place, afraid,
Drifting and carrying a harsh fear since the 
day you died.

For in that moment any courage 
I had was swept away 
With your soul

By breaths learned again to breathe
By steps learning again that moments  
Can be good.

12/7

Yes, I am hiding here, fine for a while, 
But now? Now why do I hide, 
And from what.

Life, a need to stay safe, only becoming stuck.
Did this myself and only I can rearrange it,
Not anyone else.

Hiding from deciding, must remember no 
Decision is one,  the question remains what
Do I want.

12/6

Today before the welcomed rain 
Started I swept damp leaves 
From my decks.

This needed doing and I did so 
with a pleasant feeling of propriety.
This beautiful place

Deserves good keeping.
No longer do I so resent 
You not here 

Helping. Miss you deeply, but, 
More willingly now do these chores. 
A small step.

12/5

I have lived here 
Almost as long without you 
As with you.  

Have used living here 
More as a shield against living 
Than a place 

To get on with living. 
Of what am I afraid?
Of dying alone? 

Probably will happen. 
So why do I let that hold my life 
Hostage, stilled, damped? 

Still wonder what, beyond you, 
Still ties me here, binds me here 
Just hard enough  

To freeze me? Am I failing if I go, 
If I stay? Really, where do I 
Want to be?

12/4

Have watched others change their lives.
All the while thought I would 
be the one 

Making new choices before anyone else.
Yet, just about everyone I know
Has made changes. 

Me?  I still live here. Why? 
Because that's easier to do than 
Trying to move. 

Where would I go?  Have wondered, where?
Perhaps the need is to ask where do 
I want to be.

12/3

Into the Steppes of Genghis, by this friend’s relative.
What a delight to see it in the special film festival.
A wonderful eye, 

Sense of place and time, people and life, perfect. 
Enthralled by the story. Then a great dinner, 
With her brother 

Her family, so close. Could wish this, too, but, no, will 
Play this hand as best I can, mostly alone, yet also
Quiet and graced.

12/2

It is good to be with this friend, painting.
Her life is really changing now as
Mine is not.

At least not solely by my choice. 
As I know choice is not always a given,
More a inducer.

I wish my friends goodness. I do not wish
Their crumbs of time or charity, even if that’s all
They have left.

12/1

Driving allows for thinking & crying
Not always either well but enough to see
Issues facing me. 

My friends are moving on to places,
Good places, and such places no longer include
 Me as much. 

My problem! Left adrift again and
Better learn to enjoy time alone &
My own company.