3/31

Glad to make it up to my mother’s
With the sun still shining, happy to be
In her house.

3/30

A good day painting, small birds 
For a show in the fall, a time spent
With good company.

3/27

Travel time to stay with friends
My dogs sleep in the back seat
As I drive.

3/26

For more days in row since you have gone
I move through this space we shared, alone.
All that’s left,

The changed space where I have moved
Loose of time, weary of hours, days,
Months left less.

For more days in a row than I thought possible
I move through this space we shared, past our time
Into my own.

3/25

What do I do? I paint. Not as much
As I would like but a surprise to me more 
than I did.

More than I can sell, hah! Which is all
Right. Enough goes on to please others,
To please me.

And now, that is becoming enough, or 
perhaps having had so much, I now learn
to need less.

3/24

Reading journals from years ago
How much I have written
Ever the same.

The same laments and worries,
What do i do, softened only the 
By the love

We held for each other. That has
Not changed and I can not hide behind
You any longer.

3/23

What I do know. I was married
For over two decades, a good life
With my Dear.

That these five years since he died
Have been a break to my soul, 
Just barely endured.

We considered each other’s joy,
Kept always front and center,
This I know.

And I know, reversed, I’d want his life
To go on good. Now I agree to accept the
Same for me.

3/22

I have spent so much time wondering
What am I doing with my life, where
Am I going

Even with Jack, I had my doubts, never 
About life with him, but about when
Would I find

Me, I guess, the not only the wife of Jack
But me, Linda, who and what am I.
Do I know?

3/21

Am I alone? Yes, a lot but not all the time.
I see others here and there, stay in touch
In many ways.

Am I lonely? Yes, here and there in a day,
But not all the time. For now, these moments
Are mine alone,

Mine to carry. Friends do and will lend
Support, thankful for this. An awareness
I wear gratefully.

3/20

There has come, perhaps, a slight change 
In how you, my Dear, move through my
Perceptions of life.

Still most important in my thoughts
But where once as general to all, now
My treasured wingman.

3/19

Allowing the day to slip along quietly.
Allowing time to just be here for now.
Allowing no expectations.

3/18

With you I was strong and independent,
Heard it better said: inter-dependent.
A wonderful state, 

One I held dearly close, as the rings 
On my finger. In the overwhelming, 
Dislocated, awful aftermath,

Made a pact: learn to live alone, to live
With myself. I hope for this time coming, 
From the memories

Of our love, your strength, to learn 
To live not just with myself alone but
Myself with joy.

3/17

It is not that I can’t face this alone,
That is part of this treatment, and it’s not like I 
Have much choice.

Usually, Jack, at sunset I 
Bid you goodnight. Not this evening, 
No, my Dear,

This evening I am angry at you
For leaving me. I’ll make it and 
I 
So miss you. 

3/16

Dinner with friends, lazed about,
A quiet day. Thoughts about sleep, 
not getting enough.

Perhaps should allow the wakefulness
Of wee hours, that ancestors used, for
Study, contemplation, calm.

I’m awake then anyway, so
Why not. Hardest may be going 
To bed earlier.

3/15

Between childhood and marriage
I was self-sufficient and independent.
Now I’m not.

The change into dependency 
On Jack, and he on I, was for sure 
A fine thing

In our marriage. So much so, that
Loss has been devastating. Now I 
Seek another healing.

3/14

Soft rainy morning strengthening
Into heavy rains made for a pleasant day
To enjoy painting.

Body feels no difference, it is only two days, 
In mind feel more acceptance but it is
Only two days.

Yet I am willing to allow gratitude 
For both and hope, that the first stays,
The second grows.

3/13

Started today. Now meet my newest, 
Nearest friends: sovaldi and ribavarin. 
My best interest

Is their only concern but the path I walk 
With them may well be rockier than 
I will want.

Still, if I’m cleared, then good. I do this
With only memories of support. I do this
On my own.

3/12

For five years have written of my loss,
Living without my Dear, focused
On grief’s journey.

It is easier now.  I miss Jack no less.
Find lonely and alone often merge,
Not always well.

Today black ink, red again tomorrow when
I will write also of new fears of hopes for health
Regained. My health.

Ready or not.

3/11

The meds sit on the shelf waiting, 
Waiting for me to come to terms with 
This next go.

My thoughts this time? Hopeful,
Apprehensive, what will be the side effects,
Will it work.

And sad that two friends in particular, who I
Have counted on, felt I’ve been there for, as they so 
Have for me,

Are not now. Their lives have now significant others,
Which always trumps anything else, as it should and
You, my Dear, 

Are not here. And this time when I am hurting.
No one will hold me. Beyond that, have no idea, really
What to expect.

Except, maybe starting this has started
The realization I can do this alone, however much
I wish otherwise.

3/10

Dinner with my good neighbors,  
Remind myself I have good friends who give
What they can,

Remind myself, all of them do, especially 
The ones I have been most close with these 
Last, long years

Are gone back into their own lives going onward.
Of course they are. My problem? My life is not 
Going onward anywhere.

3/9

Sleep alludes, shifting off to other pillows
Leaving me wondering, circling brain shifting
Through my fogs 

Looking for answers. Answers. There are none,
None that come easily and I am too often too
Tired to see.

And, is there anything to see? 
I am afraid to look into my own heart
And love it.

3/8

Dinner with friends
Time with others and then
Away to home.

3/7

Another day alone, I am getting tired of alone
For so long I mistook time with friends as
Not being alone.

It wasn’t that, it was not being alone 
For the moment, then, more than not
I’m alone again.

I am alone again, that is a fact, another is
Need to learn to like my self, what I, and I alone,
Make of it.

3/6

Another doctor, a message from the pharmacy. 
Meds are coming, will it work this time?
I hope so.

3/5

Tonight the storms that have marched 
Across the eastern seaboard and further 
Rests softly here 

On this outpost of the eastern shore. 
A thin white blanket lies under cloud cover, 
Enough to reflect 

The light of the hidden moon into a quiet, 
Low gray light that covers the flat fields 
And peeps through 

The tall inky stands of pines. I walk about 
Feeling how the wind whushes from the north 
Breathing cold gusts 

Across my face, while a faraway shush 
Echoes in my ears. Coming on midnight is ever 
A magical time 

But with the bite of ice, now seems older 
And harsher. I would say even our dogs 
Have this awareness, 

But, perhaps not so. They relish the crisp
Crunch of snow regardless of 
The hour of day.

3/4

Three days, three appointments with docs.
However I look at it my health is just so.
Yet I feel

Only now a desire to seek a way, actually
Do what is needed to have health maybe, even,
Just for me.

3/1

The creek is frozen and the paths icy,
The fire in the house feels wonderful.
In the studio

I paint the snowy fields around this home, 
Then enjoy dinner, the cozy feeling of being
Comfortably snowed in.