1/30

How does one make change?
A breath at a time? Mostly I have
Not made change.

Change has made me, found me
Always not ready, afraid in the wake 
Change has wrought.

Thus, even now, I come to it, reins slack 
Knowing it needs ridden well
On the bit.

1/29

What have I been doing staying here? 
Learning to  live a single person, alone.
I’ve got it.

I am doing it, not always well, but doing.
Okay, done. Time, really, to consider what
I now want.

These past years I have leaned on friends, 
Used to living within the aura of together,
Proxies for you.

Invested too much in others, not 
So much on me, need to learn, now
I see that.

1/28

Paint, I am in a wonderful, small place,
Where painting is possible. I do not always 
Honor that. Should.

1/27

Paint, I will paint, it is what I do,
What I do, whatever else happens, however now,
I remain alone.


Now, paint, I am alone, with girl friends, who
Will be with one until they are not.
They are always,


There, until the man, the love, which comes,
Then? What matters, love, always. Who is different?
Me? Probably not.

1/26

A week and a weekend later, I have chosen
Someone who may be capable of guiding
Return to life.

I am no Lot’s wife, what I look to is not
Back to what I had, however much
That is missed.

Unlike Lot’s wife, however the past was good,
You went elsewhere, away without me.
How that hurts.

1/25

This weekend I chose to do a thing for me:

Two days spent in a workshop considering
Health for me

In body, in mind. I have come to a place
Where I am willing to ask: how do I do this?
Go on living,

More, go on and thrive, know happiness, again,
Again,  I need remember my Dear would want 
Me good again.
.

1/22

What would you give up to make life good,
Again? What? First you need to turn about
What is important.

1/21

Life is change, and so off I went,
Off I went for another go round
Towards living again.

1/19

Life is change, this I know, 'tho not always wanted, 
Change. Today I made another move towards
Change for me.

1/18

A wonderful gift given, a jar to write 
A days happiness in.  I write: I am here.
That is it. 

Then, then scrape and scrap the 
latest painting, thinking I am here. Where.
Really? so what.

Your dogs, our dogs are underfoot, 
I am here, still, only because of them. 
Otherwise, really, why?

1/14

I am here now, why do
I stay here now, wonder where 
Will I go

1/13

In the midst of gray again,
My task this day to spend
In this now,

All the moments of making 
My studio workable again, of the 
Company of dogs,

Of being alone, doing things 
I needed doing. All good. 
Only, I miss 

Those times, listening to the rain,
Woven in camaraderie with my love, 
With my Dear. 

1/12

Woke to a soft rain falling.
The kind of day I like for 
the quiet grayness,

The pattering of rain,
For falling into the satisfaction
Of my work.

Then went to support a friend
Whose mother died. I’ll not have
An open casket.

1/11

Friends’ daughter will come 
Stay with them. Helped with a few things, 
Then they fed me.

Invitations with others are so nice, for 
In the swing of days, these interludes 
are at times

Sweet moments between the busy 
Of my days, which is good.
Because other times 

These visits lapse into the only reason 
For a day, and I have yet again 
neglected my now.

1/10

Somedays I feel just about capable to touch
All of life’s goodnesses that can come
my way again. 

How to do that, how to to it, reach out,
And change. I am a weal person who relied
So much on you.

So much, and here I am, mired in yesterday, 
Tomorrow and missing it is today decisions
Need be made

1/9

Filled with  gold, I wrote - about a soul, a being,
And even the hours of a day and how best to
Fill each moment.

This day I cooked for friends who came
This evening, to sit around my table, to eat,
Chat, and laugh.

It is still not you, my Dear, never will be.
But it is good, I am thankful for sweet
Evenings with friends.

1/8

Painted this morning, listening to the news
On the radio, thinking about this and that,
A few things:

A quote about the two days in a year that 
Nothing can be done, yesterday, tomorrow; while
I neglect todays.

Ponder a word I'll hold near this year,  
Perhaps somethings cracked sometimes heal best
Filled with gold.

            

1/7

Early on this journey a few good friends 
Emerged, and for this I am so grateful, but -
Yes a but -

Time has passed, lives  evolve, move beyond, 
Shift - to my chagrin. For through those 
dear friendships did 

I regain a stability. Rocked now by these
Changes, I again must learn to shift
Through my mind

Into an only mode, hoping this past care  
Of my allies, will help peace, courage, to be 
Once again mine.

1/6/15

Five years, it has been; five years ago by this time 
I felt only devastated, afraid, numb, surreal and 
Scared into disbelief. 

Five years and now I know you are ever heart-held
Soul-twined, and although heart-broken, through all a
Seam of kintsugi

Gold laces my spirit and my being into a new essence,
That only now I am recognizing as another sweet
Gift from you.

1/5

Once wrote wanted: a place where painting, 
Is fulfilling, where I have a sense of community.
Still feel this. 

What is keeping me from going, finding such? 
What holds me, beyond that you were here?
What binds me 

Here hard enough to freeze me? 
What, who do I feel I am failing if I stay, 
If I go? 

1/4

Left the north in snow and slush, 
Wearing sweaters and hugs to drive
Through foggy rain.

Tears fell for you, yet know the time comes
To embrace awareness of what I need, what
Will heal me.

You will always be my touchstone, my love,
The heart that carries me forth. But now? Forth 
I need go.

1/3

Sitting with friends in a darkened movie theater 
Is a special boon. Anytime seeing a good movies?
Just simply sublime.

1/2

Left mid-day for our friends’ northern home.
I am of mixed feelings that he has moved
So far away.

Panama, but he is intrigued and happy.
I am glad for him but of course fear
Seeing him less.

Still, the friendship holds steady.
Eventually I will surely visit, simply, gladly, 
Honoring our bonds

1/1/15

Met the new year with family and friends
And a great big happiness jar for allowing
Goodness each day.


Breakfast with mom and friend, then off
To a day at the movies. Small common delights.
I am off

Tomorrow, moving through the morass 
Of my own Indecisions and fears, still
Looking for courage.