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Through these days Cooper has been not quite
his usual quiet self. Quiet yes, but slightly off put,
As am I
Without the third leg of our trio, our pack.
He comes along with me but always with
A slight hesitation.
Early evening I bring Arlo home, stapled up,
Drugged and hurting, wobbling out of the car
Into our care.
In hospital, I visit our dog and I wonder,
How can I do here what I could not do for you?
Does it matter.
Earlier I vote and then go visit a gallery
you once visited with me. She accepts
my latest show
For a year from now. Time (oh more time beyond you)
To make it better, something I want to do, something I wish
You would see.
Kate Mcgarrigle’s Proserpina plays though my head
As I drive to the the pet emergency with our dog Arlo
How I remember,
How can I not remember that last such trip with you
And our Dover? But now, I am alone and all the decisions,
Everything, just mine.
Just mine now, just mine, just mine, just mine. Need,
I tell you how much it hurts, how helpless to be now
Just me? No.
Will I ever meet another like you
No, and that no seeps beyond soul deep
Because it's true.
Our friends leave mid morning
I keep busy with things here and
With my thoughts
I bounce between the past days
And day not here yet, touching
Here so lightly
Too lightly, I make only small
Impressions where I need strength
To step strongly
Dinner prepared by all of us
Table set, wine poured, friends seated, this
Is my thanksgiving
A day spent with friends
A simple thing for which I am
Just simply grateful.
A good morning spent with a friend
Talking paint, enjoying time with her,
A good day
Then a fine afternoon as our friend, his girl
Arrived, more time to enjoy them, a new bed,
I slept well.
Busy these days doing things around here
Dogs to a new groomer, finally sweep
The house clean.
I mourn still,
Mourn quietly, deeply, the life with you
I have lost.
It seeps through my days,
My nights with dedication, deliberation
Past my needs
To sorrow with now a soft grief.
Constant, consistent, continual, how would
I miss that?
The day has passed beyond evening into night,
A light sweater is nice but the windows are open.
It is raining.
Sweet, soft, windless droplets patter beyond the panes,
A tangled tattered background beat that is so quietly
Soothing to me,
Reminding me of the kindness of this universe
We all inhabit, with its astounding beauties
And astonishing graces.
Resolve, I seem to have acquired a bit,
A result of this trip. There are things I
Wish for myself
Now, that I have given little consideration.
Now, not only may I allow, but actually seek
How to continue,
How to take my life’s decisions with joy
And goodness, not without you but with you
always within.
A long drive from South Carolina,
Listening to the wonderful music by
Mary Chapin Carpenter.
She's right it doesn't take much
To be happy. Finally I am home, sitting,
Watching the sun
Set on a weekend of allowance.
Perhaps you know what l’ve done, if so
Also know why.
All life's a challenge and a chance.
I have these days very much
Experienced the both.
I did not come in unaware of possibilities
Both good and not so. Thus am fine with
The outcomes learned,
As I can live with my own shortcomings
In a way good for me. However, still,
I miss you.
Past childish, girlish fantasies, met
A friend, who however unwittingly, allowed
Me to learn
More about myself. About consequences of pasts
About acknowledgement that things in future
Can be different.
This is what I hoped to discover: that on
So many levels, the choice of how to go on
Really is mine
A friend gave a gift of wondrous music,
Which accompanied me on this long drive, giving
Grief thoughtful contemplation.
“When I’m old and gray,
I want to have a house by the sea.
And paint,
With a lot of wonderful chums,
good music, and booze around.
And a damn
good kitchen to cook in.”
A quote worth repeating
by Ava Gardner
More cooking, more time spent talking,
Walking, painting. How wonderful having
The ocean near.
Paint during the day on the second deck
Cook and chat and then walk the shoreline
Into the evening.
Clouds lift en-masse into the blue sky,
Hazed in subtle colors as they move
Towards the horizon.
Below the seas march on the shore leaving
Criss-crossed backwash reflecting the sky
Which I paint.
With a friend spend the morning through afternoon
Not doing much, sightseeing, stocking for the place,
A lazy day,
The ocean here is larger, prancing along the coast,
Keeping step as we walk the strand, barefoot,
And wind whipped.
Later a storm lashed by the gales and carrying
Thunder and rain and my dog is left shaking
In my arms.
I hold horses for the blacksmith as ever I did
Listening to his tales and gossips as ever
Did any blacksmith
I have known. And then I leave for another
shore, driving as the day deepened
Into complete darkness,
Wending my way south to this other place
Where the sea slaps the shore in continuous
Told you so's.
Readying to travel again; between that prep
Do barn work, hard work that early-on left
Me in tears.
To no longer be doing it for our life together,
Hurt so hard. Today I know hurt still, yet, I know
Also, simply the
Doing because it needs doing. So, although I miss
So much the doing for us, there is also now the
Doing for here.
Today’s task was simply. or not so simply,
To groom our dogs into some semblance
Of acceptable appearance.
This may not sound like much but
These last few weeks, they have been
Left to wallow.
Happily, but lately not presentable. Now?
They are washed and brushed and still look
Like hyper-active kids.
I wrangle with this question, what do with
Just me alone. How to embrace single
Without being lonely.
How my thoughts do sabotage my days,
Feeling these lone hours just fall short of those
Spent with others,
As however poor that time may be, it must be better.
I can’t agree. But also can not yet fully accept so much
Alone is fine.
Perhaps because I have yet to find a way
To be single and to also share in a way that eases
My soul well.
Spend the day cleaning the studio
It is so empty, with little on the walls
I am left
With my thoughts eddying in my skull.
These past weeks, this show has
Kept me occupied
Well, indeed. Now I wonder, again, what
Am I here to do now that I do not have you,
Just me alone?
I watch evening deepen from your bench
With dogs nearby, no deer seen
I am tired.
But a different tired. I am sorry
my emotions got me this week but
I miss you.
This weekend did not go quite as I hoped.
But really did fine in that so many
responded to it.
Your soul would be happy
With all that happened.
I miss you,
But am content to sit out here as the light
Diminishes, an owl hoots, here, home
Easing my soul.
Friends came and took me to lunch
Others came through while I worked
More paintings sold.
And it is a beautiful show, exactly
As I envisioned it to be, the day just
Doesn't have you.
I will fill in the missing days, which had hope
Meanwhile 27 years ago we married this day
I fail again
A long day, enough people at the opening
But not enough who willing to buy.
I miss you
Not being here to help and buoy me up.
To remind me of all the old friends who did come.
To hug me,
I am disappointed that more paintings
Did not sell, however much people expressed delight, I
Did want sales
A longer day than I wanted it to be
Before heading out on the road again
I am tired
And hoping so much that this show
I've put a fair bit into goes well
But who knows
I've done my best and feel very good
About how it works. But who knows what
Others will think
Home doing last minute things
And trying to pull the house
Together a bit
