4/30

This evening I am again listening to friends on the radio, 
After a long hiatus, as they play their blues show again.
And where once

These Wednesdays were a slight harbor against the early grief, 
A few hours in the days, weeks of pain, where once again I
Learned life will

Go on, however halved, impoverished, lame, it will continue.
So this eve I listen again in the quiet of our home allowing the 
Simplicity to sooth.

4/29

Gray days of inclement weather have a quality that is soothing
To the psyche, allowing quiet time to putter and consider tasks
Of simple means,

Like walking the dogs in the soft drizzle, checking horses,
Admiring the house gardens and farm fields, before returning
For a nap.

4/28

“Exile is strangely compelling to think about but terrible 
To experience. It is the unhealable rift forced between
A human being 

And a native place, between the self and its true home:
Its essential sadness can never be surmounted. And while
It is true 

That literature and history contain heroic, romantic, glorious, 
Even triumphant episodes in an exile’s life, these are no more 
Than efforts meant 

To overcome the crippling sorrow of estrangement. The achievements
Of exile are permanently undermined by the loss of something 
Left behind forever ”

Edward Said from “Reflections on Exile”

4/27

Who would know if I died tomorrow ? No one. 
No one. Ah, that is my life now. Should I die, who knows, 
No one would.

That is a depth for me now: who would care?
Ah.  The cost of being only. And yet, and yet? the cost
Of being with

Again? I gave my soul to the you and I: sweetly, gladly
Completely. Again? Do I, truely, care who would know if
I died tomorrow.

4/26

In the midst of everyday duties
May the sun shine and may the wind
Fill your sails

In the midst of everyday chores
May kindness flow and may beauty
Fill your lives.

Our friends’ daughter wed on this, your birthday, wished 
For her, too, a life shared in a strong marriage based on
Trust and love.

4/25

In her two short days here she has done wonders
Clearing two gardens I have worked little. Glad for
Her industrious company.

4/24

Harriet follows me home to stay a few days,
Grabs work gloves and tools to garden as she
Said she would!

4/23

As cold and gray as last week was, here now
Is beautiful. Painting the beach from the deck,
Enjoying the warmth.

4/22

Take the dogs and run up to the beach 
To meet painting friends, company for
Pups and people.

4/21

Big fish caught off the neighbor’s dock, our friend
Has had a good day. Fish was good and I have had a good 
visit with him.

Perhaps because it is a comfort knowing, for him that
I continue to heal and for me that he cares, and that
Our friendship continues. 

4/20

Our old friend is on the move and needs room
To store some things. The barn is handy, the job
Done with ease.

With ease because there are the two of us, who know 

Each other enough to work well, but not as well as did

You and I.

Yet now that more brings a bittersweetness I will not

Avoid, as within that pain does in stillness reside our

Love and joy.

4/19

Back to the sheep, I have thought it out, try
A different approach, and it works. Am more
Satisfied with it.

Our old friend visiting helps title work.
Pack quickly, off to the wet-paint sale to hang.
Today’s paintings sell!

4/18

Spent most of the day in a friends pasture painting 
His sheep. He comes by to chat as we wrestle 
with our subjects.

Painting nearby gives my neighbors a chance 
to stop vehicles and jaw awhile about everything 
under the sun.

4/17

After painting a great old barn, turn to do
The white house perched along a hay field.
Liked the view.

Only two of us this year doing the paint out, 
we are concerned with our immediate painting,
not the competition.

4/16

Just enough time in the early evening
To quickly sketch the sun light glinting on
The flowering plum.

4/15

Just a simple day getting things straightened out around.
Mowing, house cleaning, moving quietly through the day,
Followed by dogs.

4/14

For these few months, unlike so much of the recent past,
Running elsewhere has been the exception. I have moved
Through these days

Noting the shortcomings that do hold sway, while slowly 
Looking for strengths to overcome those, and so, in my life 
Allow now serenity.

By my feet lay three dogs, two ours, one a friend's. 
All asleep underfoot, completely content and sharing 
That with me.

4/13

Quiet, palm sunday coming into passover, I tidy and paint.
Enjoying my work and the day, listening to the radio, where all
Isn’t so well.

First, a disturbing story of the vehemence of an anonymous 
Person, whose lies so severely hurt another. Yet outed, still held 
Her twisted view. 

Then, on this high holiday, three people killed by a stranger for 
Not believing as does he. I lament the sorrow, the terror these 
Foul bullies caused.

4/12

One of the sweetest best things I miss was knowing always
You were there for me,  I for you. A hug, a kiss, or a fall, we would
Catch each other

Now, I end some days just tired from always being aware of all 
That may slip me up. A lapse, near miss, or a fall, for who now
Would catch me.

4/11

Life rarely allows us, perfect. Sometimes we must allow that 
what we think should be, will not. At best, we have "now", the chance 
Of living well. 

The chance of living a best,  often does need to encompass 
A “without”. Memories enhanced by love known, a place to grow,
Live and thrive.

Sometimes “without" is truly that. My Dear is gone and even with
Cherished memories, mine will never ask of a future, as, my 
Dear is gone.

4/10

I am stuck in a malaise of my own doing, I know.
Pulling out of it will need be my doing. I have let
Adrift my soul.

Let it, hoping it would light in a better place.
As the care and keeping of my center has been let slip
For too long,

Melancholy took seat, and so underlines any contentment
My spirit found these past years. It is the strength to change
I need now.

4/9

Sunsets, perhaps are partly why I stay here,
For the long minutes of amazing color deepening
through glorious seconds

Stand awed by all this beauty, stand in a place where
You was stood and knew and saw. When I go,
That goes, too.

4/8

These past few days moving along gray hours, 
Lunch with a friend, good to chat and come home
To do little.

4/7

Your voice naming that guitar you played,

I remember your voice, not the name, as you would
Always be here.

4/6

Live alone now, something to which I’ve come to
Slowly, recognizing the sweet of it and the pain.
It’s what is.

Four years, hard each in its own, of loss and 
Uncertainty. Both have aged to another level,
I can accept.

Loss, is part of me. Uncertainty moves, perhaps,
to an addressable aspect. Neither any longer
so overwhelms me.

4/5

Spent the day in a friend’s shop helping hang art.
So, the greater part of the day was spent with others,
Keeping well busy.

New neighbor at the River Farm, met his kids,
Then him when he came by to clear my windfall,
Impression was good.

To my comment, I still have not much idea what
I am doing, he said it’ll come. I head home, alone, 
Becoming more, okay.

4/4

When I was just a budding female, someone
Interviewed Leonard Cohen, and realized “L”
Knew about searching.

Fellow’s brother said: You don’t like yourself, it’s why 
You run. Afraid to slow, thinking there’s nothing to you.
But there is.

I know running. I am hoping when I have courage 
To stop, I will embrace the searching, knowing for me, 
There is something.

4/3

Priorities have shifted since you died, have shifted
A few times even since then, I know. Know, also,
Will probably again.

Priorities yes, a grand list at best, yet always some 
Things demand attention beyond order or comfort but 
What of values? 

What of the things that make life worthwhile? 
The whole I grieve ever but the base allows
Comfort and gratitude.

4/2

On this day I spent a fair amount in upkeep 
Of the road. A needed expense to keep life
from becoming difficult.

This spring I am not so hesitant about the preservations
Needed for my abode to stay even-keeled. It is work
That needs doing.

And for myself, perhaps for myself, I am coming
Into a place where conservation of what I need
Must be considered. 

4/1

Here’s the thing: I am four years out now, and only
Beginning to feel my way though the morass of grief,
To see light.

It has really taken this long for me to arrive at this point
Where I can allow an expansion of soul could include life
Can be good.

Again, maybe not today or tomorrow but some time.
That I can stretch into, a goodness ahead without 
Relinquishing the past.