2/28

Better today, spent most of the day in the studio
Ran some errands, painted more, walked the dogs.
Stayed to myself.

2/27

More block-in today but painted little else.
Was not a good day, felt wrong, slept a lot
I need change.

2/26

Morning spent blocking in the hawk, lost track of time.
Rushed to join the life drawing group. Drawings: bad;
Food, company: good.

2/25

For twenty of the past twenty-three days I have found 
Time to paint, glad for the hours in the studio, steady
To every task

I set on the easel. Each day given to morning exercises
Doing something I love: small paintings of animals,
All a spark

Towards not only gaining proficiency in handling 
Subject and paint but, perhaps, small a start to being
Present with purpose.

2/24

Morning blocked in the squirrel as I had the rabbit,
Narrow values and subtle color to underpin all.
Seems to work,

And I like how I am able to paint back and over 
The undercoat it produces. Started the hawk over
Using this method.

I do not like being lonely, but am getting to again
Not mind being alone, to see hints of the contentment
I once enjoyed.

2/23

Painted through the morning, another critter,
The hawk that busted a window a few years ago.
Not quite right.

Blocked in fine but didn’t quite get the drawing, 
So struggled with that through out the session.
Got it better.

Had dinner with a friend again as he does not do 
alone well while his wife is traveling. Fine for me,
Like eating out.

2/22

On one level, a day for in house, workers  
Patch and repair, ceilings, sky lights, doors, 
All just maintenance.

On another level, move through the day, still
As an alone person, who feels she is just starting
To feel Possible 

On a third level, a day able to shrug on, comfotably,
More of this place, while recognizing some will just
Never fit again.

2/21

Up early to paint just outside, the soft morning
Shadows thrown across the fallow fields before
The sun clouded.

Painted in the studio, ran errands and kept busy
Around the house, dinner with a friend and then
A quiet evening.

2/20

It has been good to start each day with
A text sent to friends: "Good morning all,
And paint on."

It has been good to settle right to the easel,
Pick a subject, decide on composition, prep,
Pick up brushes,

And work for a few hours, giving each painting
Time, consideration and thought, hoping these carry
Through the day.

2/19

Since you have been gone, my sense of balance
For life has not been good. Each day I step out hoping
A path clears

And I am able again to swing into life as once I did
Beside you. I miss being able to lean on you in this new
Finding my way.

But making a good life and in so doing, a place for painting, 
Pets, others if they wish to share, perhaps is the path back to 
Home for me. 

2/18

Paint in the day, then evening to dinner at friends.
These few days have been rest after a bit of travel
I move slowly.

2/17

Drive to return home late afternoon,
Dogs glad to run about their yard, I spend
The evening painting.

2/16

Snow brightens this small house where I am staying.
An afternoon movie, one I wanted to see, then
Dinner with friends.

2/15

Up to see a friend, dinner with her brother
And brother in law, seeing their new house
Enjoying their company

2/14

Remembered well how you so
Enjoy this day, expressing and
Reveling in love.

2/13

When in doubt do the active thing, not the passive.
I am prone to the latter and not giving myself  credit
For the former.

An attitude due re-considering, which I have started
With painting, at least something, each day these
Last two weeks.

Small bit of active, but movement none the less.
Now to add to it, paint what I love and take time
For skills needed.

2/12

In between painting and prepping dinner for friends
Moved horses and readied for a big snow storm
Which never came.

2/11

What do I need to prove now? What, to whom, why?
I really do not need to prove anything to anyone, any more.
My Dear approved.

I need now to not look for approval but to recognize
where I am allowing it unnecessarily and where I should
allow it happily.

What do I want, what will make me content, will allow
My life to be better, sweeter. For me, a good life, this
I could approve.

2/10

Four years, it has been over four years since you died.
Four years, enough time to earn a degree in higher schooling.
Or four years

To pass through grade school. I have learned what? 
That after four years I have barely the skills to live of
A fourth grader

To cope with the life I am now in. But I have learned, 
Sometimes, barely will do, will give space, until perhaps
One can do.

2/9

How graced I was, living with you. But now?
I am alone. I am occupied, with painting and upkeep here,
That needs doing.

More than I want, but there is much time for it, also for
Contemplating what I need now. Don't know what yet, but 
Have some idea 

What it is not.  It may be that solitude and being alone
Will be my fate without you.  With that I'll live if need be, but
Not with isolation.

2/8

Errands kept me running all day and out of the studio
Until the afternoon. Glad for the sunshine all day but
It is chilly.

I have been cold all day, painting some, doing chores,
Missing warmth  and not so glad to be only with
Company of pets. 

Meeting others, never something I have done well, and 
Now, facing the facts that I need become accustomed 
To being alone.

2/7

This I know: It is often lonely now, but I am 
Moving in the solitude that leaves with more ease
And hopefully, courage.

Often, this feels like looking through binocs backwards, 
Towards a too distant view that looks beautiful, but
Not very attainable.

Perhaps it isn’t. Still, while it is the direction I now go, 
I wish also to craft the steps along the way with grace,
Love and fulfillment.

2/6

Have been painting, moving through the day
In loops that bring me back to the easel in between
Letting time go.

2/5

It has felt good to paint sizes I feel comfortable doing. 
Good to see in a bit of time, with some thought and planning, can get 
The idea down.

2/4

What I decided to do while driving last week?

What does it mean, to put myself in the shafts,
To rein in,

And look for discipline and order? To take myself 
In hand and consider what I am going to do?
What I want?

Well, it does mean I need now be willing to run this road
I am traveling on my own. My own. To own both the bad
And the blessing.

2/3

Morning exercises, started again but this time
With more concern, I hope, for what I need, what
I like painting.

So wanted to do a mammal and this bunny fit.
Happy with it, stayed with me as I continued
Through the day

Doing needed errands and considering how 
To expand my thoughts and self into the sweet
Solitude of hours.

2/2

Last Sunday while driving  and later when wide
Awake, I considered what I need to do, what
Will now help.

Today I rose and did small chores before
Starting a simple painting of the evening skies
Behind the house.

Followed by considering what I wished to do next
Which was talk with friends and have
Dinner with neighbors.

2/1

Perhaps my flight was too early but had its good sides:
I am home in time to pick up a loaner car and treat
a friend lunch.

Home in time to tidy, see dogs and sun set and settle,
Just happy to be home. Realizing this feeling is more ethereal
than I thought.

I am fine to be home. As ever I was with you. That was
The sweetest I’ll ever know but, now? Perhaps I can be
Just happy home.