12/31

Been tired here, can’t seem to catch timing right
And would think I would know, things have a habit
of turning differently.

Have walked the dogs, mom & aunt have taken the reins
Of this particular day and I need to step back.
They are happy.

12/30

One of those days more frustrating than not
But got what needed doing done and some days?
That is enough.

12/29

Met with our old friends today, a reuniting 
Over burgers and beer with a sweet chaser
Of remembering you.

12/28

In the darkened theater my friend softly
Snores through a needed nap as I watch the
Movie she chose

An adventure of a drab mouse who
Strikes out against the odds to a quiet
Place of courage

A somewhat silly movie I enjoyed as much
For that aspect as the call to charge into ones
Life with belief. 

12/27

Mom and I do errands, always taking
The long routes through familiar villages
As we like.

She speaks of her childhood, her mother's life
Then dying young and her father dying younger
Of the sugar. 

To hear my mother talk, to share the tears
Of the lost times for asking those gone on
We both know.

12/26

An old friend and I sip tea and eat 
And talk in a restaurant surrounded
By wet marshes

I gaze out the rain streaked windows
Across the gray and ochre wetlands,
With quiet pleasure. 

12/25

Up at 4am to drive north, mostly smooth. 
Listened to old cd's and the songs I had chosen
To honor you, 

Emmy Lou & Ian, strong hands & circles,
And songs of winter. Not exactly the season
But plenty fine

To carry me to family and feasting
To carry the sadness, memories, joy
Of loving you. 

12/24

Christmas Eve, which I have spent alone, preparing to leave
Very early, heading north. It is quiet and cold here and all is
Ready to go.

I am feeling simply quiet, not full but not empty either.
Just a softness of the evening passing, simply letting time
Move me along.

12/22

Evening approaches on this date of the year
When the day first begins to grow longer.
It is warm,

I leave to hear the carolling, hold a lit candle aloft
At the little white church nearby, to be with
some good friends

Here, there is a soft drizzle with a good wind which
Rouses through the trees, these are the kind of days I like. 
Ever, miss you.

12/21

The longest night of the year, time to reflect 
On the the darkness we all all go through
Me and you.

Time tomorrow to welcome back the light,
Keeping faith, finding it light in all we see
You and me.

12/20

And the past is gone. It must be then, 
while in grief, I am upset for some one who 
is not there. 

A friend wrote this but I did need to change a few 
Words, something to someone. This does define simplistically
What grief is.

Sometimes it is needed to define what is past that
Which does carry the present before seeing where the future
can be possible.

12/19

Through these wee hours of another day gone
And from waking early yesterday morn has
My soul wept -

In a remembrance only I feel and know- that
On yesterday's date you went willingly to be healed
Trusting it so.

Earlier this eve, friends came by and I cooked for them
As I loved doing for you. My heart yearns for you
Alone with company.

12/18

Four years ago that night we slept alone,
Apart but for your ring given into my care
To hold dear.

A small comfort in that large bed,
Waiting, worries for what the morining
Would bring you.

Alone I sleep still but for an errant cat
And for the ring you trusted, a small comfort
I hold dear.

12/17

Drove to have dinner at friends’, a great deal
Of laughter and good food, just the two and me.
A fine evening.

12/15

Because of this issue I have stayed close to home,
a choice I have rarely opted to exercise these 
Past few years,

Choosing to be, BE, just be anywhere but here.
Slowly I have elected to be here rather than engulfed
in large groups.

This weekend, because of this malady, I have been
Alone but not so lonely, keeping company painting,
Just being here.

12/13

Not so uncomfortable  today so was able to do a few things.
Not so comfortable or unhappy this day; not so happy, it is
What it is.

12/12

The past few days have not been good, a continuation
Of the pain that hagged me through Scotland,
PIA for sure

12/9

Breakfast before saying farewell, these two friends leave
Under clearing skies. I am glad for their visit. Dogs and
I go walking.

12/6

Still, I have done enough to make the place presentable
To my friends coming in and more, enough that I will not
Worry over it.

Instead, will enjoy these few precious days and evenings when
There is company and conversation and laughter from
Sun-up past sun-down.

12/5

Since I have been home have spent time with fall chores.
They are needed and I do as I can. It isn't enough to keep
It all up.

Not up and looking great and I do like that, but it is too much 
To do that and other chores and paint and consequently none gets
Done very well.

12/4

A friend said, what was it? Oh: We can do what 
We want. Not only what others want, expect of us.
Whoa, what really?

I have spent a lifetime doing what I have been
Expected to do. Female, maybe, you do thus always.
And I did.

I did...but now? Why? Only if it settles for me.
For me, will it do? If not why do it. This is another
Country to learn.

12/3

A front overhead, deep lavender clouds
Obscure the evening star but not the blaze
Along the horizon.

Back on this land, the last home we shared,
Back still considering next steps. My mom
Only gets older.

Is it wrong to know I will miss this pine I lean on
As much as many of the people met? Ah, what gives
Sense of place?

12/2

Frankly, I expected to come up on this trip, have
Questions answered and a direction determined
With solid conviction.

Ah well, instead it was one of my more ambivalent
Messy trips, oozing quandries, doube and yet I know
On one level
Being near my mother would be so good for her, and me.
As a widowed friend said: DOn't count on anything but death
To be final.

11/30

On this Saturday after Thanksgiving, I am grateful for the company
Of my mother, my aunt. Widows all, we put together  leftovers and I
Light three candles:

One for my Dear, who graces my memory.
One for all on this journey, may peace light their path.
One for all

Who have gone before. To my aunt I say: We remember
Them in our hearts. A glass of wine raised to all in grief,
Prayers sent, godspeed.

11/29

A day spent with a dear friend, driving the roads where
We came of age, wondering where will we now age,
How, with whom?

11/28

Thanksgiving once again as someone else's holiday.
Don't get me wrong, I was glad to be there, just, still,
Miss our traditions.

11/23

A sweet interlude at a friends' creek side home where
The room I enjoy is called by their son's name
And by mine.

A kindness and welcome, I also bestow on certain guests
Hoping that they are as pleased, warmed as am I
By such recognition.

11/20

Sometimes I need just to cry, cry, cry
You are gone, and I do not really know how
To go on.

As time moves, as time moves, really
It does little to assuage the loss. How I miss you,
A constant always.

I do my best, Dear, I do, and mostly do well.
Until I remember the sweet moments that so
Filled our days.

11/16

In a beautiful DC synagog, a perfect hall
For music, with two friends I was transported
In marvelous sound.

11/11

Amongst the many things we are required to have, 
Licenses for this and that guarded by government,
But not healthcare.

Until now, and much as I welcome it finally coming,
Why oh why, did those in power allow it to be botched
So irritatingly completely?

11/10

The sky overhead is a rainbow bowl, a garlanding band
Reds on the horizon, slipping through yellowy oranges to greeny
Blues, veridian, manganese.

11/6

Read today words by Guillaume Denoix de Saint Marc, president
de l'Association des familles des victimes de l'attentat
du DC10 d'UTA:

"On est forcement marque a vie par ce type d'histoire, donc on
Ne peut pas la fermer, mais on passe a une autre phase; une phase
Sereine, de reconstruction."

"We are out of necessity marked for life by this type of history,
Therefore we cannot close it, but pass to another phase; a more serene
phase, of reconstruction.

11/5

"I will wait for you as long as I need to."
Is a phrase past due for you and me.
Where are you

Now? Yours is a different now than is
Mine now. I fear here is no longer
Waiting for us.

If I knew, I would allow in this vast cosmos if
We could meet, yes, but if not? To keep you waiting
Is not fair.

11/4

I am here, once again, seated on that bench
You built so I could breathe easier in the
Off river breeze.

But not for sunset, I missed it. For the rising
Of the evening star. Falling back has not been
A change embraced.

I am on the cusp of change, my choice now. Stay,
Go, you have my heart. Mine? Wherever, I have me.
All that is.

10/29

This weekend Cohen's coming home is the music
I needed to hear, to feel; going home without my sorrow
Going home tomorrow.

Going home with a lamp fixed, as well as any thoroughly
Broken thing can be fixed. Going home to where it is
Better than before.

Going back to let the light between the cracks, able
To let Light in again. Going home without my burden,
Just going home.

10/22

The sky this evening is exquisite,
The cloud cover beautifully patterned,
Colors just perfect.

A lovely contrast with lavender clouds
Over the palest of viridian overlaid with rose
Lining the horizon.

I can sit here every evening, and mostly do.
Entranced with the specatacle before me and
Memory of you.

10/21

Within the sound of surf, I am
These presious days, at a friend's
Fine beach house.

Within the sound of surf, I stay
In a serene room listening, feeling
The pounding surf.

Within the sound of surf, I let
The fullness of space come through 
Heart and soul.

10/19

In that corner of the field three deer startled, leap
Into the pine stand, white tails flagging, quickly
Out of sight.

But not hearing, as brush crackles beneath hooves
And breath snorts in huffs from their exertions,
Then all quiet.

Except the hum of combines a mile across the river,
Of small birds chittering over golden bean fields, of
My heart thumping.

10/17

A wee bit past midnight, to our friends' daughter
A boy was born. The spoon you carved her first born
Is very treasured.

Hearing of this birth, I did pick up your tools, your wood,
And honoring past ans present, did carve a spoon for
Jaxson, Aidan's brother,

10/14

St. Paul declared "Love" the highest of three spiritual gifts:
Faith, Hope, Love. I have read St. Agustine saw "Hope" the greatest
Of these gifts,

Saying Faith assures us that God is, and Love tells us God
Is good, but Hope tells us God will continue to be among us and
Work God's will.

And Hope has two lovely daughters: Anger and Courage. Anger so
What must not be, may not be; Courage so what should be, can be."
Anger and Courage.

10/13

To have a horse to ride is a sweet and simple pleasure that allows
Me to remember a joy that comes up through youth to you, to rest
In my heart.

10/11

Before me is yet a stretch of time, time filled, well...still, when
Alone, uneasily the habit of 'being with' can be so sweet it is
Hard to loose.

10/6

Set up, display wares, chat folks up.
It is hot, and not so good for selling paintings.
Company is good.

10/4

On this beautiful Friday evening I am seated
Watching the sun flame the sky. The air is
Warm and soft.

Under a canopy deepening through blues,
Under pine boughs lacing patterns, I
Remember and reflect

On a Friday afternoon twenty six years ago,
A day perfect in my mind and heart and soul and
I miss you.

10/3

Beneath lucid skies, the sun departs
Leaving sweet colors stretched over head.
Joy for eyes.

Geese are calling to each other and the grackle
Sound of a neighbor's old tractor drifts
Across the fields.

Beyond the fineness that my retinas record,
My soul is fed. Not as with you but enough
To get by.

10/1

The difference between grieving and grievance. 
The latter perhaps has, seeks time to strike out or
Intentionally to hurt.

In the former, I know, one hurts so badly on a path 
So narrow, so treacherous, there is no time to think
beyond a moment.

And I know, also, when time finally expands, it is gratitude
For the treasure remembered that fills one, not wasting
Time on grievances.

9/30

To the trinity of double u -
Water, wine, whiskey - we've been true.
The only exception
Is in the selection
Of which coffee each morning will do.

9/27

On their wee adventure to skye
They took the roads on the fly
Passing many inns
And over glens
Without a thought as to why.

9/24

The little white vans from hell
Flew past us not very well.
Turned me into a bitch
As we flew in a ditch,
But we lived for the story to tell.

9/20

While driving along through the moor
In search of the bright blue shore,
We looked to the right,
A loch was in sight,
Releasing our souls to soar.

9/19

Landing in an alien place was not so hard
As, hey, I was not in charge and
Lack of sleep

By now is normal; as is greeting the day
Honed by tired, only supported by friends, in love
With the new.

Grateful for good comrades who, when I hit the wall
Of here without you, held me in their kindness 'til
My footing firmed.

9/18

I do not quote scripture. 
Yet some passages when read
So evoke solace.

Perhaps not by the literal word,
Perhaps by the love behind that seeks
To give solace.

9/16

The skies here are always awesome, always.
Frame the settling sun sweetly and
Yes I am

Seated, again, on your bench swatting flies,
Watching dogs romp, hearing horses snort,
Wine in hand.

A tradition that falls short but still allows quiet
Space to remember, to apprciate and in that
Wrap love around

9/14

Even under the brightest of sunlight comes softly,
Unbidden, moments of crisp clarity, past shared of
When we were....

These push through with talons not dulled by time,
Take breath, take tears to move through, even as now
I recognize signs.

Recognize that grief does not so much diminish
As finally learn its proper place, even as it still feels need
To push forward.

9/11

Where ever you all are, may this evening have been soft
And warming to you and may the grief you know
Be by your side

As a guest, not so much welcomed,
But acknowledged for the manners it may
Hopefully, finally developed.

9/8

Rode with your friend, along the loop we would do,
When all we wanted to do was sit a horse under wide skies. 
Miss that, you.

9/6

Fell asleep, easy these days. Staying asleep is not.
Mostly missed the launch, but felt the following tremors.
My favorite part.

8/31

I would follow you if I could, g-d willing, or not.
I would follow you as ever I have, but would, are you
Near, or not.

8/30

It is true, I have run through the days, nights trying to understand.
And I do not; reamed as I have been by loss, emptied
Adrift, yet coping.

Coping with all you left me, the good and the not.
Today mowing, all that mowing, it hit: the best always will 
Be knowing you.

Yet also the flip: the worst in my life is because I knew you,
Knew and now here alone, I seek a new equilibrium to just
Remember the best.

8/29

An interlude here spanning what was into what is:
Good friends are here again and have their new silver home
Parked in the drive.

Interlude, the good times we four spent together.
Interlude, the alone time I know well, so appreciate
Interlude, time shared.

8/22

Staying here, staying here, I am doing it these days, staying here.
Maybe the longest time since....and being here, it is clear
I am alone.

Alone because I am too tired to get up and go as I have been doing.
Tired, so glad not to be driving, driving, tired but not able to do
Much around here.

Yet? Around here? Alone taked more time, efort and energy
While only giving back so much. For now, am too tired to
Change the equation.

8/10

So good this evening to see my drawings hanging in good company
In a good space. To do a demo, appreciated, to draw a good face.
Enjoy good hours.

8/7

With two friends drive north to Burlington where another 
Friend plays flute. Beautiful sound, after long hours, miles, shared
Moments of friendship.

8/2

A friend's brother marries this day, only legal now,
Even after thirty years of being together, today
Again love lasts.

7/30

Dropped off the work, drawings you never saw,
In a place that is delightful and good to show in.
Lunch was fun.

7/28

Spent the last few days gathering work 
To show in a few places. Little hope this 
Will bring returns

But I try, I try, I wish I could be more effective.
Hah, something I have never been, but
Still I try.

7/26

Tripped on a dog, and woke to a sprained foot
Tripped on myself and realize there is no one to help
Tripped on life.

7/25

Friends, dear couple, come visit, something for which
I am always thankful, because I do know that living here?
Few will come.

And truth, that is not totally the place’s fault.
Fault need also be accepted by me, for who will come
Visit? Not many.

7/18

Again I have driven, and driven, and driven,
I am glad to see my mother and wish I could see
her more often

But I live too far away from her, too far 
From all I love. Who do I love now, who will
love me back?

So this too hot day I drove away, drove back here,
to the last place we called home, where we had love but
not me alone.

7/8

A friend has bought her house, a wonderful place
A good place, she did so with ease. May again.
I find home.

7/4

Fireworks, walked to the neighbors, stood amidst the
The spray of sparklers, lights in the dark, as in childhood
Fire above water.

6/29

Finally I have walked the grounds of Winterthur,
Seen some of its splendors, have driven backroads the
Wyeths’ called home.

I paint, Dear, and slowly learn my craft. 
It is not always easy, getting out of my own way.
I miss us.

6/23

Our sister and her Dear this day celebrate  gold.
A wondrous mark, though I felt able to send them
only love, for 

When you died I lost my center.
Recovering, returning from that, it is
No easy task.

6/21

Solstice, the longest day finds me on your bench
Under the pine, after walking the labyrinth, the yard
Admiring its neatness 

And order, you would have enjoyed this, 
And the bug-less evening, soft air 
And cool temps.

A neighbor is haying, his sheep baa-ing
You know who and know too you are ever
In my heart

6/19

Under gratitude comes the grace of days spent
By the Bethany sea in a little house wide open
To ocean breeze.

6/15

Friends have come to share time here along 
My fields and marshes and then there, ocean front.
Two leave tomorrow

But this evening, two of us decamp to a riverside
Cafe, seated by the wharf in air sun-warmed.
Humid and lazy,

We delay until from down the bank, fireworks star-
Burst above treetops to reflect on the waters, and
In our souls 

6/5

The afternoon light is a clear brilliance 
Beautiful as cut glass. The wheat has forgone greens
For spun gold,

Color of precious love gifts, carrying over far acres 
In air sweet and crystalline. Mostly we did
Choose homes well. 

And I am caught in the seduction of such a spot, 
In an evening bordering perfection, only not sure now,
For right reasons. 

6/4

My cousin comes to visit and to help me
We don bug sprays and bug shields to 
Wield shrub clippers.

As we decide and chop, wheel away debris while 
Lunch then dinner is considered, his presence is 
companionable and welcome.

5/24

Beautiful days of escape in big old Jersey Shore cottage, 
Wide porches under striped awnings the ocean crashing near
The weather perfect

Surrounded by a bevy of friends, chatting, eating, of course
Painting. This year I slip easily, gratefully into the warmth
Of good companions.

5/12

This evening I shall give myself some time 
To stay in touch, to write a few sweet words
To good friends

Who all live far away. Thus reminding myself for 
This time, while choosing life in beautiful isolation I
So need them.

5/10

The wheat is turning from spectacular
blued green as it ripens to a wonderful
hazed yellowy sage. 


The dogs and I have walked the perimeter
Under a sky marbled by clouds and now rest
Beneath that pine.

Oh this night to have your presence, even if only 
Ghosting in my mind...better company than any others,
Even only memory.

5/9

Heard today an old friend of ours

Is in for rough times. Cancer found,

Hopefully in time

4/26

In evening, the hour of rockwell's light, slanting

Golden across the tree tops, I stand looking

Past these colors

Deepening into perfect. In evening,

Feeling the hint of chill that will echo ever

The soul's sadness.

In evening, no longer overwhelming, only

A constant tingeing rooted sorrow, haunting 

as crying geese. 

4/21

A year ago I was painting on this day, Snow Hill, crying as
My uncle had died and you were not here but a friend was,
Painting with me.

And this year she with another came again and we painted here,
The farm and  your tools hanging until the wallops rocket launched.
You would've enjoyed.

4/8

A long time ago I lived between the marsh and the sea.
Lived with the salt smell, the sound of foghorns and waves 
backwashing on pebbles.

4/6

I have sat here many an evening tracking the sun

Along the horizon, along the seasons, the years,

Remembering the love...

Remembering we did love together and as that tug

Pushes on the river, I watch, thinking of how I tell you

My heart thoughts, 

In the keeping of words shared quietly with you, 

I have found strength. You would love me still as

I do you

4/1

Amidst cackling guineas and industrious hens, 

I paint with friends along these winding inlets,

I am reminded

That these waterways with their ospreys, eagles,

Herons, geese, ducks, their mirrored surfaces, murky

Greens and sunny glints

Are things I love here, and waking to the soft light

Through treetop windows while the song birds

Begin warming up.

3/31

This day a friend celebrates her birthday and 
I sit within a family circle surrounded with good
Food and kugel.

This I sit in an aerie of a house, an osprey' view
Water all around. It is beautiful and tomorrow 
I will paint

But this afternoon I sit with friends and their family,
See kindness, and joy, and sorrow, see the dearness 
In all these.

3/19

Been awhile. It is not as of you aren't in my mind,

Always you are. But that the aloneness of me

Needs center stage.

It is not so quick a process this going from

We to me. Requires mental juggling, not always been

Willing to embrace,

Been willing to not only except the changes

But eventually to embrace. For now? Willing, just

To be willing. 

3/6

Again I sit a plane without you, as last night, 

I sat with our friends, watching them dance.

Another kindly asked, 

The first, I realized, I'd dance since....

And I was fine until he asked what you did

He'd no idea.

Nor I, that so far out it still hit hard. But,

He was kind, so I could quietly, carefully,

Still my soul.

3/5

Would that you were here this night

With old friends in their new place but

You are not

Not here to laugh with me at this absurd 

Delightful show. Not here to enjoy the music

Dance with me

2/15

I need direction, I need light, I need warmth, I need you. 
From you I found all this. Yet, is time to look hard for direction 
for light, for warmth, 

To allow memories of you guide. For now, it is just me and yet, 
I am no longer so frightened of that. For you, heart and soul, more,
left me well

2/14

Seated  quietly  on your bench under the large pine,

The sun settles in front of me.  Evening is cool and soft. 

I miss you. 

Four times now I have not had you near for this

A date you favored. The sun sinks red gold and

I miss you

Einstein spoke of the solitude painful in youth but 

delicious in age. Painful in loss, appreciated in time,

I miss you. 

2/13

A prayer: May your small traditions bring comfort. 

May the days, the evening be soft and warming to you, 

May the grief 

You know be by your side as a guest, not so much welcomed, 

But acknowledged for the manners it may have 

Hopefully, finally, developed. 

2/9

In the glow of a single flickering flame, 

how a bit of comfort comes, Like the single breath 

of a moment, 

how it allows the hour to come,

How we allow memory combined with love lost 

to refuge come.