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Right now, where I am, there is just me.
Right now, have no wish to learn to
adapt to another
Adapting to life as it is now takes my all:
Learning the why, the how, the what all do I want,
Need from life.
Read: Follow the heart, trust intuition, allow
Uncertainty, accept, give love. Fear is
Based on ignorance.
Uncertainty I have, love I had. Out of these, where do I go.
On a level wish someone would say here be with me, all is well.
Would be foolishness.
Friends, a couple, often extend invitations to me and alone
Or with a few, I'm fine. With a crowd? Find still left missing
So hard, you.
In P'town I saw a painter whose words resonated with me
when she wrote her paintings were not about loneliness,
But about solitude.
I have to consider solitude more, not as an option
But as a destination, a place to embrace, feel comfortable in
And to own.
For now, while encompassing this, I miss the relationship
Of a good marriage. We were good our own. For now, I do
Still hurt often.
Three months ago was told its getting late, best
I be on my way. No idea where I'd go, just be gone.
A mother's wish.
Went, wondering why leaving family, hers, was better
than staying. Left that night going back, no, no going back
My back gone.
As was hers again and how we deal with our hurts does not
Always make sense. Sometimes hold only to what we are, slight
Though it be.
The days and evenings in cherished company,
Not what I had, that sweet envelope with you, but,
It is good.
In my own way, am coming, still often kicking and screaming,
To cherish not only the sweet time with friends but also,
My own time.
Somewhere I read and marked
Quiet anticipation is the mainstay of a life lived alone.
Whatever that means.
Anticipation, yes I would say mine is quiet waiting
For the return of a group of friends with whom I'll
Paint and enjoy.
Saw two eagles this afternoon while riding
It has cooled, it is beautiful, the air soft,
The horse good.
It is the second week of this month
Of commitment and contemplation, of learning
How to stay.
Never thought it would include such as this
Equation of life as it is now. And here
There is good.
Okay, hung that large cloud painting where I can see it,
Live with it, consider it and even ask friends about it, hmmm,
Painting or living
Decide, keep going with it as it or change it up, for either
Probably not a bad idea to allow time and thought before
Making my decision.
Hard days, too hot, yet this day weeded and then
Spent hours reconfiguring the workshop,
Moving your things.
No. Now my things in that space which was yours
But now is mine to use, to appropriate as
I now need.
Then float in the pool, dress for dinner with friends,
Enjoy that now there are places to go here, come home alone.
It's all right.
Paint in the studio, talk with friends on the phone,
Allow the time given each conversation, all spanning
Space beyond moment.
Courts are cleared this week, leaving the days,
Hours free for painting, chores, considering
My own concerns.
We do not live in stages except as broad swathes that
Touch where resemblances meet. We do live in and with
Choices made daily.
So as I consider choices in this time of unsure footing,
There is comfort hearing others have well trod similar path to
A good life.
That a person need not reinvent the wheel, indeed,
Can borrow, learn from others as needed, then
Pass it on.
Choices: good, bad, happy, sad, there are
Always choices. Chose to go to a new place
And survived it.
Into a day cooled by gray rain clouds
Rode tree-lined forest paths
Riding is good.
True, as time goes on, some friends fall off. Well,
Not totally true, realize that as complete we felt, so do
They with themselves.
But resent the assumption any meeting should be me moving.
Oh yes, I have not concern of children, family job or such; or
Y'know, a spouse.
What seems true with some is if I am willing to travel
We'll see each other, otherwise not. If I don't, will ever I
See them again?
Another morning waiting to do my duty, not
Chosen; meet friends later for food, wine, sunshine
By the river.
It is hot and dry and I walk dogs, do yard-work, paint chairs
It is hot and after chores it is nice to slip into the pool, float
Under the sky
It is hot and nice to enter the coolness of the house
It is hot and eager to start a book I've found, reading
Into the night.
A morning spent completely surrounded by strangers
Each alone from the other, a juxtaposition of jurors waiting
To be chosen
Well, am reading again, sounds silly but
for so long there's been little pleasure in most
Movies and books
So in this time of contemplation, I start
Engrossed in a trilogy of who-dunnits, start by
Opening a book
This month shall be a time to think
To consider some, what I am doing, while
Sitting for jury
Stuck, unable to just get up and go
Suppose reflection of purpose, intention
Is worth deliberation
Holidays another day others enjoy
Left the pool filled with neighbors
I'm off elsewhere
To join a group of happy couples,
Better than unhappy, lol; still can be
Lonely in company
It has been ever so hot
Pool finally is ready, love others
Use it, too
