4/30

Widda-fog, been there, still am...probably why should wait

before making major decisions, like moving, selling a house, even

Cleaning the house.

So some days just deciding chocolate/vanilla, get up/or not

Can be major. Chocolate's not tough, deciding to get up can be.

I do it.

4/29

Need a place in the heart to put at rest that "didn't do enough"

and go on. Won't be done in a day and could let it

beat me up.

Need to learn to put that in a deep dark place and allow

Instead the light, the love we had, with gratefulness

to help me

4/27

This grief, it is not all in our heads, you know.

The body, too, needs to adjust on so many levels,

I do know,

And get the just plain sundered apart feeling

That gnaws the soul. You are missed through the

Tissues and on.

4/26

Drove ten hours to sit on your bench at sunset,

To hear the geese fly, see deer depart, run off

By our dogs.

The skies darken through lavenders, smell

Salt marshes and write to you of the beauty, sorrow

My heart holds.

Of birth day wishes, I hold to do this simple thing:

Spend the hour as day looses the best light of all,

to love you.

4/23

Gray and wet, the rain falls steadily, softly as

On this drive along roads long not taken, I

Drive among ghosts.

Willingly, heart whole happily, I followed you but

These months have taken me further back

Than I'd believe

Through grief's pendulum flinging far, is this

comfort of place where we met, perhaps, chance,

Home for me?

4/20

What if, what if, what if. Hear of another bogged in the

Possibilities of his what ifs. This does not so concern me

For two reasons:

I know the worst that a what if could be, why court more?

I know I failed the only what if that could matter and

warrant no others.

My burden, my sorrow, that has steeped my tears,

That binds my heart, weighs my soul and

Slows my step.

4/19

A blessing on this day for the kindness, love,

The company of your sister and her family

Who welcome me.

4/17

A morn spent painting the old white house,

last hours Of a good weekend with friends,

Already miss it.

The afternoon we wandered an old town cemetery

Reading stones and wondering of lives caught, words

In a phrase.

Of consorts and wives and either is the same

Of the weighted words widows and relics, how these

Now resemble me.

4/10

What a beautiful afternoon and evening, a reward,

Painting beauty where the river starts, welcomed by the

Two living there.

4/5

Today taught a class, small in size but good scope

They all want only to go on and paint better.

So do I.

It is good they are looking for ways to learn more

Although this is more commitment than I find easy,

Will I learn?

To move beyond the discomfort, being undone by

The loss of you, even as small steps yet feel more

Ground letting go.

4/3

She and I walk and we talk, a sweetness treasured.

He and I shoot, I do well, very, he enjoyed the day.

So miss you.

4/2

Our friend and his girl are hear a day or two

Our neighbors come, a quartet swirl of doubles

And solitary me.

4/1

A full day, of people busy working and a good drive

No bumps. It is quiet for a bit of time

I am tired.

Tired, a result of these months ongoing of sorrow,

However well one believes to be doing, it does wear,

Takes it ounce

Maybe more and however steady, healing slows,

Time needed for small things grows, I plod,

Best as able.