12/31

Have walked the beaches of my childhood on

This last day of what has been all told, just

Another without you.

Gray Clouds and mists shroud the bay,

White swans glide now, as never did years ago,

Graceful, fluid moments

That reflect well the sadness held that arcs

Through thoughts and soul, softly swirling and

Cupping my heart.

12/30

A day spent with two good friends in a town

I knew in youth when all was ahead and I did

Enjoy the day.

12/29

Read today of a character who mused that

"Making love" was possible only for those

In "new ventures",

Of not seeing how such could ever be possible

Between couples long together .... gawd is she

Ever so wrong.

12/28

Overheard some one calling their pet and hearing

That name, unselfconsciously spoken, hear also the

Connection of family.

12/27

Met with an old colleague, old friend.

He has a presence that has mellowed well

Good to see.

12/26

Spent the day drawing, talking, seeing

A movie, just hanging around, nothing grand,

But still good.

12/25

On this morning the sun rises

Above mists lifting off the bay

In sublime beauty.

12/24

So often I have watched others

Effortlessly maneuver through my kitchen.

Just doing neatly.

As, on this day, neatly did I, helping a cousin.

And he allowed, gave sympathy on being alone, my

Gift from him.

12/23

Driving some more today and shopping,

Where ever my mother wishes to go.

Fine by me.

12/22

A quick trip to see your sister,

To see she is in good spirits, just

To see her.

12/21

It is warm here for December as I walk these roads.

This beach I knew as a child. Walk alone now with

Just our dogs.

12/20

Another day traveling, an easy enough day

Considering all, little traffic, a quiet drive

With my dogs.

Time to pay attention to the road, considering

all moving near...considering each moment is

What I do.

12/18

Sunset 4:45 - two years ago we thought

Caught quick, the start of your recovery, our

Life to resume.

Sunset 4:45 - a year ago memory starts

Thoughts traveling this awful route that

Ended me alone.

A day spent in company of friends, and

Alone with tears, did sit this evening to watch

sun set - 4:45.

12/17

An evening with friends met in a quaint town for

dinner and listening to a band that I only knew

you did like

12/13

To have loved and to have been so loved. So, for what is

Lost, tears taste bitter. For waht was love, tastes sweet and

Sweet salts memory.

12/11

for a friend:

There once was a writer who knew

What placing precisely comas could do,

However blue she might feel

Could write of happiness so real,

Readers would think just how she wanted them to.

12/10

This season I miss you no less, more in fact

This evening in that leather chair I sit,

Cat on lap,

Candles lit everywhere giving a soft light to this

Time I only wish to contemplate in the flames

That gentles edges.

Our dogs sleep near, in this company, in this light

Do the tendrils of hope stir. I hold your heart now

Cupped in mine.

12/6

Fun for living, tears for life, ah how we channel, well, love.

Grief, yes, sorrow, hurt and hardship but also love. Do not

Tears channel love?

So tears for those saddened can be a release needed, except,

Who wants to see another sad? But, we are and we do, well,

Things like cry.

But, hey, mostly cry alone, in our cars, drive, music, cry. We hurt,

We miss and long for, and we cry. And if I am not shedding a tear,

Well, who is?

12/3

Doing what I can as I can, recognizing small gifts

With small gasps of thanks. Small may be all I have,

Small step, breathe.

It is a start days when a breath feels an eternity,

A step breaches canyons and the caring of others?

Bittersweet when compared.

But what a sweet small kindness is the caring of others.

And how important are not small kindness given to each of

Us, small beings?

12/1

Eight minutes until sunset

It rests in the far line of treetops

Ready to drop.

Cried much of the three hours driving back,

Here, home for a time, not knowing how little

Time you had.

Gone now, the light left a soft grayed

Blue-white of old oriental porcelain, color

Of time passed.

11/25

Rode the little yellow horse with friends.

Every time I swing a leg over a saddle

I remember you.

Sun has set over the river marshes leaving

The soft winter colors to slowly fade and

I remember you.

Quiet enough to hear distant neighbors, tractors,

Sibilant murmurations as small flocks wing over, all remind

Me of you.

11/24

Walked the weedy paths this cool morning,

Hearing trees creak and on high a red hawk calls:

Keek-ker-keek.

On the inward turns, wish for reminders that friends, far or near

Care. The dogs romp through glowing plumed grasses and

A reminder comes.

On the outward turns, hope to meet the day with grace, with

Contentment. The sun-washed air so clear, is soft, sweet and I

Can look forward.

11/23

Revisiting holidays, need change, not to ignore but to reflect

How time moves. We all have dates, holidays that have meant much.

(Opening Day, Fenway)

Now left with a desire to reinvent, reinstate, remodel these dear dates,

Reminded not even He (or She) did it all in a day, for sure, nor will I,

Oh thank-god!

11/22

Allow the laughter, the corollary to the tears,

Allow friends well met to give comfort and allow

This takes time

11/21

Part of this journey is learning to breathe past the being scared

And taking hold, however much we would rather just let it all

Go pass us.

11/20

Perhaps I thought would I would be firmly decided

On the next course of my life, whatever that

Is to be.

Thought I'd have not only a better idea of what it was

But a mapped out strategy to stride confidently along,

Good with myself.

Instead, here I am, while able to consider past "dinner"

Still feeling so overwhelmed by all that is out there and of

Going it alone.

11/19

Conflicting thoughts of what I want,or think I want;

Do I even know what I am thinking? And then fear

Starts niggling in.

What am I doing with this life left? This is rhetorical,

We all ask similar, always have. It is doing it alone

That is scary.

Where did I think I'd be, not yet there. True north was

The two of us, my compass is wonky, even if it no longer stays

"South" as long.

11/18

Several weeks of traveling to paint under a master

Several weeks of spending time in the city

With my go-gos.

Guests of a friend and her dog, we all learn new skills.

For me, new competence painting, tired from travel but

Glad for friends.

11/17

An idea that started in that other dearest life

Is coming to fruition in this one. Who'da thunk?

A simple gift.

11/16

It is a silly thing to enjoy this labyrinth mowed out

Of a weedy field with its myriad waving grasses!

Go-go's walk along,

As I watch fishing boats move on the river, hear the

Neighbor's sheep beyond the trees and feel the field

Has now purpose.

11/15

Woke this morning to early morning mists and took

The go-go's for a walk through the dewy paths

Along the woodline.

The horses stood catching the first rays of sun

As it broke through the fog, steam rising eerily

Off their backs.

Parts of the bean crop are down, looking like

Paths made for giants, the whole long, dawn

Field looking magical.

11/14

A two-folly day. First was walking the simple mowed track,

Made me feel empowered, this silly little thing is mine

And is fun.

Then, a symbol of affection left at my door, unwanted,

Seen as a threat to my equilibrium, however ridiculous

That may be.

Only beginning to claim being on my own, to do, be with

Only what and with whom I choose, not looking far on, it is

Only me now.

11/13

With more time on my hands then sense,

Did something have wanted for three houses back,

Mowed a labyrinth.

A wild grasses simple seven-turn labyrinth wide for two

(Or not) to walk along tall weedy borders, next year, perhaps

Flowers and herbs.

11/12

After a weekend in the city, our dogs revel

In the joy of free movement romping, rolling

Through tall grasses.

11/11

Cry quietly, or screaming, cry to the skies and beyond. Then

Scrub eyes, screw up courage to face the world, saying: I'm fine,

Thank-you very much.

11/10

It is up to each of us to keep the web of friend, family, support

Going. And realize the time has come, I need call more or very few

Will call me.

It does take time, and I am under the weather, and effort to keep

One's self in others' lives. Not "good" living, just me trying to figure

Out living now.

11/9

A murmuration, have seen them often over these marshes.

Jack saw one only once, wonder on his face, that morning in January

Almost two years ago.

A mumuration, so aptly like the soft sound of blackbirds

Whirling in exquisite waves that cloud the skies in twittering

Veils of prayer.

11/8

Morning a long-legged fox trotted up the drive, loped

By the door and off along the pasture fence heading

To the woodline.

Evening came and I rode with a friend

Along the farm roads and pass the combines

Under a child's moon.

How slow to realize happy as we were to be alone together;

How miserable now I could be alone

Holding the pain.

11/7

Not sure where I expected to be this far out, certainly

Not with these feelings of quiet, dragging sadness, but

I'm all right.

Or right enough for facing what life is now. Hmmm,

To those who have said think of the adventure, of all

The new chances,

Well, yes, there is that aspect, but also that change

Is not always wondrous or good, that the pain may

Diminish, not disappear.

11/6

As the sun set, hacked home on the good old white horse, thinking

Of good company, good food and saw a bushy bright red fox racing over

The sheep fields.

11/5

In five minutes more the sun will set at 5:59
And tonight it is windy and cool, clear air across
The mile marshes.


Returned from the city and a fine session painting,
Back with our dogs and a cold for company, first
In three years...


Or more, but the first without having someone who
Loves me, cared and was near. I exxagerate, it is
Only a cold.

11/1

I worship the sun, not for a tan but

For the evening ritual that is my last, lasting

Tie with you.

In the cooling, it has been two falls since we

Enjoyed this season. I do not "kept" as well

As did you.

Much as I do not as well as you, as I did with you,

I keep slogging on, looking for equilibrium, looking for

A good life.

10/31

Here, as usual whenever I can, I sit beneath

The river birch on your bench. It is a cool, dusky

Evening darkening sooner.

Halloween, no expectations of trick or treat,

Decade since we need prepare, so the dogs play and

I sip wine.

10/30

A day with the 15th - 17th c paintings of the National Gallery

Wandering among great painters and noticing sweet details

To bring home.

Meant to sketch, a Van Dyke portrait, but got so caught

In all the marvelous touches these painters, had time to draw

Only for minutes.

10/26

You were my closest frind, my husband.

For a time my best friend was a horse, Rowan. Now

Loneliness supplants all.

Now it is there when I wake, less than company,

Now is no one who cares for me or I for them, not

As with you.

Heralding hour on hour, see only drawn days that

Stretch pass my ability to make contact, leaving me

Wrapped in loneliness

10/25

Today another spoke of grieving through to joy,

Not pain. We shared love and wished only good

For each other.

You are not with me here, but knowledge of love,

Ours, holds steady, holds me still. For this I

Will choose joy.

10/24

The skies are clear green and cerulean brushed

By clouds pinked and purpled. The barn cat purrs

While rubbing me.

Starlings flock south, the dogs romp and roll,

A soft evening of color, temp, good night as the

Sun slips down.

10/23

Whenever home, here I sit to watch

the sun set and the stars rise while

Clouds reflect beauty.

Colors so strong and marvelous as were you

ANd all the places where, in comfort, in sweetness,

Our lives twined.

10/22

Rousted five deer out of the beanfields.

Go-go's stayed close while the sun set, am

Back for awhile.

Learning to live alone is one thing as

I so miss the presence of a person who

Is good company.

10/14

Traveling again, doing an art show, variation

On what you watched me do years ago.

Missed your help.

10/13

Spent the day prepping for a show while

Listening, dancing to music I knew before

I knew you.

10/10

Clouds stringing across the sky are purple

Presences against which the first ochre

Of geese wing

Before the sun slipping down in a splendor

Of molten golds, reds and oranges while a sky

Of cerulean blue

Deepens through cobalt and ultramarine to night

Still warm enough for mosquitoes, still I miss the

Presence of you.

10/9

Been thinking of the dynamics around the idea

Of moving towards, which some think is about time.

What about you?

Been listening to the whirr of small birds flying,

How this pleased you, too, and how you are

Ever with me.

10/7

This eve, Yom Kippur starts, day of atonement

Yes I am not so familiar with this high day as perhaps

I should be.

Yet do feel a need to amend, to atone, to seek

Forgiveness, this I do know, do wish, from

And to you.

10/6

Worked around here, then dinner with friends.

Good to be welcomed there with friendship

And tasty food.

Gave me a CD to hear on the ride home, listened

To an arrangement of an oldie.....papa was

A rolling stone....

And when he died, all he left us was alone...

(I am grateful for friends' support) but how

True this feels.

10/5

The sun has set along the river marshes And out

of the west, under a clear sky darkening through blues,

Cerulean to indigo,

In an absence of clouds, hear many geese settling

For the evening. We so loved to hear, to see them,

Harbingers of fall.

Yesterday a milestone once we so looked forward to,

this year I let pass with only my tears, only my

Own solitary company.

10/4

Rode the old white horse this evening, took the dogs

And meandered along the back hay fields to

The farm roads.

While the old fellow grazed, thought of life now.

There is much good in it, you made it

So, even now.

Dealing with it, mostly feel the direction is

Still "away", yet there is a slight turn now

Of moving "towards".

I am surprised how vague, how undefined that is.

9/18

This evening sat on an outerbanks dune looking over the atlantic

watching the day close, the drama of clouds while wind and surf

Roared past me.

In the cottage behind are friends. While I have believed that the

Circle of a decade would have you ever in my heart, never no longer

By my side.

As tears fall, I pull the wrap closer round Memories of us in my

Heart. The spiral has rounded to this place, a step removed but held

Dearer than that.

9/11

On a fall evening not long after the towers fell,

I sat on the south rim of the Grand Canyon watching

The evening fall,

The colors in the clouds, the rainstorms move far off.

The breath of wind on my face heralding

A coolness coming

And the quiet softness only emphasizing the space.

Behind, in the cottage you lay reading, waiting, love

Of my heart.

9/7

Have read of cultures that believe life is a spiral movement,

More than a circle, never closed. I do not know, but, at times

Either seems good.

9/6

I have no family and do not know if moving would give this,

Have a sense of support of friends here still their lives are

Not my own.

Part of the problem, I miss the sense of the two we were.

Now, only me. And I want not to be only an addendum to the

Life of others.

9/5

I like having space around me,

Probably not wise to think I "need" such but I do

Really want it.

Maybe not sensible but I have lost Jack,

I am not ready to give away this sense, this

Need of space.

Why should I if I need not. I have that allowance

for now and the fact Jack shared here where now

I live alone.

9/4

Making a decision is better than not making one,

There is then at least a point from which to move,

I've been told.

But sitting on the fence is also a point,

And perhaps a point to move from with less

Damage to control.

9/3

Moving as a couple with you I could do easily.

Even leaving friends, changing much, the core remained,

You and I.

With that anywhere was possible, even if not preferable.

Now? As half, it is so difficult, just about impossible to consider,

Never mind decide.

And perhaps that is part of what is going on: I am still the sorry

Half left of a wonderful whole. How can I think that I could

Make a good decision?

9/2

Now there's some comfort here, a steady point to move from,

To change, to make decisions from the support of what

We did together.

True, as time goes on, decisions become all mine alone.

Perhaps I am coming closer to the one concerning

Where I live.

9/1

This is the last place I have with you. We may have stayed.

Now, just me, do I stay as it is easier? Harder is deciding to move

On my own

8/31

We found places with plenty of spaces for just each other.

I would write "we" again, we have moved...the truth now

Is closer to:

I did move several times, not always ready to go, not done

Seeing, being in the place, whatever place it was we lived.

Perhaps not done

Now with the beauty, privacy, comfort and knowing once

I leave here, never again will I live in a place where "we" made

A life together.

8/30

At times I feel I can go on, hurt and halved but

Able to grow because of you. The flip side is darker.

And I feel:

Got lucky in an instant, then long loved by you.

But where have you gone, and I have my doubts will

I be welcome.

8/29

Perhaps we would've stayed here, liked the area, friends

Finding ourselves in our work. Not careers, yours always more

Viable than mine!

But our work, I loved the studios (studios!) at Line's End Farm!

Loved you had a marvelous space in which to think, to create

And to work.

Loved being able to hang your work on our walls, use it.

It will ever hurt that this path

Was cut short.

8/28

Held within myself, lifted, even in sorrow, that

You did love me, you did never take that for granted.

What a gift.

8/27

Waiting, these few days for Irene to land, in two places.

A hurricane reflects my quandary while here and there

Feel this storm.

8/26

Feel I am coming to a space needed,

Where this faction of grief can be placed safe.

It is not you,

It is, though, that the life you and I moved towards.

Now, towards what am I moving? Perhaps time is here

To consider it.

Letting that dream go isn't easy, however impossible it is.

But the goodness, the strength, the love of you I carry all

You gave me.

8/25

I do now need ask, what do I do? I would ask you

Help me here, even as I do wonder, where, what has

Become of you.

Do you care any longer for what happens here? Have

You moved on, perhaps as you should, to other perceptions,

Spaces of creations?

I cannot know. Are you so far away, I will never, ever,

Not only in this life but in what ever comes, be able

Follow, find you.

8/24

I do not dream of you, or even dream much, nothing

I can, wish to remember. I do wonder, where ever

Are you now?