5/31

Our friend roared off this morning on his Ruby charger.

In the afternoon, off to do errands, I drove the same roads

feeling distanced.

5/30

The mall is marbled strong along constitution,

The better to hear thunder rolling down its avenues,

Better to remember.

In shade cast by marble cooled, our friend kept me near

With the same soft touch that gentles horses allowing

Me your memory.

And I...I did ride, linked behind him, tears falling, yes, yet

Dearly happy for feeling him speed safely wide roads and for

Sweet times remembered.

5/29

Upon ruby's throne I glide a sorrowed queen through

Countryside not wanted, not taken up, beautiful indeed but

No longer desired.

5/28

I am blessed by the fortitude of your friends, dare I say

Our friends, who care enough for you to willingly come

Stand by me.

5/27

Early packed, early enough out with coffee and quiet words.

Early thoughts of a fine woman, her work, her studio, just the

Beauty in her life.

A few day's company of a perceptive friend's welcome,

a few days good rest, a few days, a few sweet days with

chance to contemplate.

5/26

Skeet shows me I have strengths and have not.

I can concentrate, can hit the mark from certain stands

From others, can't, yet.

To breathe in then let out, an exhale to root myself

Down through my feet into dirt, to lift eyes, to focus

Deliberate the moment.

5/25

Slept the night for more hours than now is usual,

Paint the morning light, fingers stretching over the fields

Through dappled shade.

Later our good friend drives the hilly countryside

Showing his place, allowing the quiet space between,

Giving me rest.

5/24

Long rides over roads we never drove together

Avoided any for almost ten hours, time enough

For many tears

5/23

Sunday sit on a wide front porch with people,

People who knew us and now speak only to me

Little of you.

I am too open, too raw, too silly

To think they are not thinking of you, just not,

Perhaps, speaking of you.

5/22

Must figure out how to sit

Within a gaggle of couples without

Feeling totally alien.

5/21

It's coming on to midnight yet again and I can handle,

somewhat, that no longer is there any one waiting, who'll much care

to hear me

What is so hard is knowing that the no one is

because you are not here and I continue ,why, with

you not near

5/20

What do I want but home again

A place where roots might settle deep;

A place shared.

An ability to be on my own

To love and be loved back

Purpose to life

An ability to feel joy, rest and tranquility,

Have friends near to touch daily if needed, enough

Not to burden

5/19

Dearest to me I no longer have.

What do I have but just myself,

One single self

Perhaps it is but what we all only have,

Except when, at times, two coalesce into a sum

Purer than the single

Hard it is to go forward from such

Hard with only memory sustaining heart

Hard but needed

5/18

Many are the things I need think of

And capable of good decisions, I feel not,

Of any decisions.

What a cassandra last fall was I, speaking aloud

To myself how they might be our best days as indeed, we

Had no future

Changed not, I have no future such to grasp

Such as to wish to strive towards, as such now is

Only slipping fog.

5/17

Another night I have slept without you

Wishing you were near, another morning hear -

One more day - without you.

5/16

"I'm not up to this conversation at this time."

As the evening sun slants downward, I am painting

A friend's gilded marshes & bay.

One guest pounds his beliefs with no heed to mine.

I shelve it fine until his exuberance of epiphany clashes

With mine of 1/6.

Perhaps I should have as rudely declared my version,

No, but could've said, "I'm not up to this conversation

At any time."

5/15

8 am and the day is already altered hard, another change,

25 years until right now we looked out our windows

watching our horses

Now the two girls are going where our others,

retirees have gone to joust, to trail ride, to carry others

in their gentle way

Now I sit in the warming air contemplating

Another amending in this now my life, now

No bays, no grays.

5/14

What a busy day getting things done

Filling the hours, not filling the emptiness but

For friends who call

5/13

Fine to sit on a high deck under a soft sky darkening

Wine in hand, conversation and the promise of good food

with friends.

5/12

Would ever so like to feel settled again, but fear

It will take ever more time that I would wish it could.

So is life:

What does not smack one ever so hard in the head,

Knocks one's feet out from under. Either will leave one

Gasping for breath.

So, with luck ever so rare, there is also an amazing sunset,

Or some such event occurring, thus giving one a good excuse

for hyperventilating.

5/11

Friends come visiting and, lo, the views in my yard are more beautiful!

Sweet conversation, good food, and fine stories swirl through my home.

What a wonderful few days.

5/10

A day of beautiful weather and keeping busy

Of watching the sweet dance of a couple long linked

Bittersweet, more sweet to see.

5/9

How, to bear up on these days which drag so long

How, walking empty spaces once filled with you, stop longing.

I can not.

5/8

Take pencil to paper, a glass of wine and your dogs.

Take all and scribble the needs, wishes, dreams, you can now allow,

Take a friend's advice.

5/7

Washed in the beauty of your love and care,

I leaned contentedly into the strength that was you,

And adapted past me, you, to we.

The roots of me grew wrapped strong in you

So hardy to all winds, storms, dire droughts but not to my roots

Chopped from you.

5/6

Again, I repeat myself, on one hand, one side, one moment,

I am able to do, to think, to access the hours of my day sensibly

And breathe easier

Again, I repeat myself, on one hand, one side, one moment,

I am trapped, still, and undone at the enormity of you gone,'

And can not breathe.

5/5

Even I must say a day so beautiful is a treasure. So I painted,

Thinking of vision, of passion, of mine so ever long serenely housed

In being with you.

Having vision, having passion is no small thing

As both are values by which one can steadily steer, thus deserving

Of due consideration.

Perhaps the contemplation of these traits of finer stuff can

Help to find a pathway through this passage of tribulations to my own

Sense of place.

5/4

Painted today, took my box and dogs, painted our hayfields.

A day spent, as I now must learn how to live, alone.

Until a neighbor invited me over.

Neighbors, who spoke of you and of my journey.

I am restless, where am I going, he still expects you in our home.

She is ever sweet steady faith.

These feelings of restlessness, yes are bound in rootlessness.

You are gone and could not take me, that has cut my roots,

Leaving me easy to topple.

Leaving me much to consider.

5/3

This really, truly is hard, I am slogging as best I can

Floundering through so many days with no solid sense of place.

How does one find that?

5/2

This morning I hear words taken as I need,

Hear voices lifted in lovely song to the beauties surrounding us

We have blessings.

Riding an easy horse at an easy pace

Through air easy to feel with a friend easy to be with,

I so miss it is not you.

5/1

Hope and Faith, well named and full filling,

Each a good friend, giving me good words, good food.

Charity I welcome.