3/31

There is so much to be done here, well you knew looking to have time,

Time enough to do all and more. I look across fields and sky, struck still

And am overwhelmed.

3/30

Friends fly away, fly back to their own lives

Their own, this day of water-filled towns

No shortage weeping.

I don't see life as getting better, just as something to get through

And getting through will not put me anywhere so good as I was, so

I slog on.

3/29

This a week of cooking and conversing

Of concepts spanned out of thoughts and plates picked clean

Of keeping busy.

3/28

Walking the ocean beaches, we lean against high winds

While shorebirds whirl cawing above us.

I wish the wind was you.

3/27

Golden glints backlit over the warm russet marshes

The river runs high, a steely ribbon in a season of persistent excess

In all but the sky.

Evening light washes the expanse of field and wetlands

With colors muted in undertones of silvered pumice

Lay quiet on the eyes

3/26

This week of gentler weather allows walk abouts

Discussing plants and small tasks under skies too soft for sunsets.

Maybe tomorrow.

3/25

I go with this friend to visit a town, a shop, an eatery

And for a space can dress that time in limbo, you await our return.

Dull glass shards the soles of my feet.

3/24

The kitchen fills with the clang of spoons and pots.

Breads kneaded, formed, come fresh baked, leaving

Aromas of approval.

3/23

Through my mind circles an epithet changed for you

He never moved the stars from their courses

But he loved a good woman and he rode good horses.

I thought this would be on my headstone.

3/22

Providence brings a friend to stay with voices, laughter.

She settles into her room, unpacking company and conversation,

Ready to enjoy this home we made.

3/21

Driving south over roads oft traveled, a friend as co-pilot.

I loved being your co-pilot, believing we had so many miles yet to fly

Now I solo

3/20

Drove by this morning on the way to providence

Still staggering from what fate has rent on us, needing to find my way

On my own,

Drove by so I would know my way, on my own.

A way I really do not know but need accept as I must

On my own.

3/19

Oh how my soul does cry out wanting you back, not there.

Not there, however serene the spaces, however I can not change things.

How must I leave you there.

3/18

I have not enough now to help myself, my strength is small

I go through the paces of each day marking dirt in small steps,

Mainly hiding.

Hiding behind the commonplace, the small courtesies

Keeping from screaming, from kicking, from writhing in pain

Holding to breath.

3/17

I don't know what I am doing -I say that a lot these days.

Not entirely true as I weigh, sift, lumber, through thick muds

Looking for steady footing

Some, immersed in their own, claim to know how I feel, proceed

To submerge me. Decked in their momentary drama, have no idea,

really. I say nothing

For in this passing into death is a line of kind so crossed

Comparisons, however well imagined are not genuine, one continues

The other not

3/16

To sit with a friend who listens, hears

As I speak aloud my thoughts and fears is

To sit with a good friend

Not a small motion, it is looking at a house, a dream. an idea,

Considering at all without your thoughts, likes or nots, without you

Living in these alone.

3/15

Rained all the way to Albany. Stopped and was nice for Sunday.

Rained all the way to the Cape. I, too, rained tears while driving

But good to see Joel.

Cried down I-90 through rain and cold to a quiet evening with mom

And brother and a pot of steamers. Tomorrow supposed to be sunny.

Perhaps, me, too.

3/14

With friends I shoot trap and skeet. Often you let others use your guns.

But even that simple act, even this simple thing is so changes

As am I.

I did not shoot your gun but another lighter, hit only one clay trap.

At the low house, I did shoot low,high, quick, quick as ever you did,

For you, for you.

3/13

Close the door on a house quick cleaned, leave two dogs sleeping

One cat snuggled on our bed, her bed, another curled in the feed room.

Horses nibble hay.

Close the door, walk the boards you painted, this place you tended.

No longer our place, just my place. I, not glad or sad, emotion tamped,

I am softly empty.

3/12

Again this season proves true to itself, storm filled and difficult.

Gray skies lower across tawny ochre marshes, skies dark with rain.

The car is packed.

3/11

The quick, numbing shock is gone, leaving tears ever seeping.

Now edges raw, bloodied, just lay open, easily, constantly hurt.

Thoughts snagged by pain.

3/10

Radio sounds the same, condolence cards have gone out.

Folks get on with their days, Our days are ended, Jack is gone.

And I am only Linda alone.

Mourning is so personal, so selfish and I am so missing Jack.

Hurt, fearful of a future without him. How to learn to live past

The uncertainty to find place.

We were complete, it is no small thing to make a home.

One of the kindest things ever I did for you, was to place your artwork

on our walls, among, in our home.

3/9

Cooked a tangine you liked from the venison you provided

It fills the freezer. Neighbors, came bringing cheer and wine

Kept company and grace.

Later I walked the dogs under the clear cold night sky.

I did holler to the star my love for you, hollered hoping,

Hoping you heard.

3/8

You are so wrapped round my soul and twined through

My very synapses. A sweet guide, bring me round,

Hark to your dearest principles, tenets true and tried

3/7

Note to self, remember what seems a fine idea late at night

Could no doubt use careful editing

In the morning.

3/6

I sat a horse today, the last one

you rode, through forests once, only

I rode with you,

Bittersweet day, my soul ached

To enjoy its beauty because my heart hurt with

you not there.

3/5

Simple things become not so, our dog is at the vets

Because you are gone and I must wait, so must our other pets.

Be good dear animals.

A friend welcomes to her home, fingers caressing a baby grand.

Spring's sun warms the earth, the road is passable, no small feat.

Greetings are warmly given

Scones & tea, conversation seduce me to stay comforted in sweet

friendship, to stay so long, a whole precious day, dearer than gold.

A treasure to hold to my heart.

3/4

The time draws near to carry my own, to burden others no more.

Others have given their respects, concern and care; are done and wish

To get on with their own beauties, beliefs, unhampered by my sorrows.

I can see this.

Wrapped so long, warmed well,

We did turn in beautiful full arcs.

Well loved within

Within our circle, insulated with love,

I basked in the potent sweetness of our contentment,

Replete in our time.

The break is cold and lonely.

Alone, Alone, Alone, a weary tolling that I now own

No sense of self, no defense of self.

A fragmentary, futile, flotsam in your wake

I am so scared of being alone with no other, no care, no love.

Know only why should anyone?

3/3

Nothing is warm nor do I believe it ever will be again.

Oh yes, winter will pass and summer suns will burn hot.

But I look not for warmth returning.

3/2

Your NH neighbor, mom's age, chainsawed her stove wood. Can't

Get the tractor started. You always said you loved me. I wondered why.

I believe you must feel so, too.

3/1

Tears come checked not easily, I am simply so scared, so, so alone.

With a friend I can talk, think, converse before settling back low.

I breath, why?