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Kate Mcgarrigle’s Proserpina plays though my head
As I drive to the the pet emergency with our dog Arlo
How I remember,
How can I not remember that last such trip with you
And our Dover? But now, I am alone and all the decisions,
Everything, just mine.
Just mine now, just mine, just mine, just mine. Need,
I tell you how much it hurts, how helpless to be now
Just me? No.
Will I ever meet another like you
No, and that no seeps beyond soul deep
Because it's true.
Our friends leave mid morning
I keep busy with things here and
With my thoughts
I bounce between the past days
And day not here yet, touching
Here so lightly
Too lightly, I make only small
Impressions where I need strength
To step strongly
Dinner prepared by all of us
Table set, wine poured, friends seated, this
Is my thanksgiving
A day spent with friends
A simple thing for which I am
Just simply grateful.
A good morning spent with a friend
Talking paint, enjoying time with her,
A good day
Then a fine afternoon as our friend, his girl
Arrived, more time to enjoy them, a new bed,
I slept well.
Busy these days doing things around here
Dogs to a new groomer, finally sweep
The house clean.
I mourn still,
Mourn quietly, deeply, the life with you
I have lost.
It seeps through my days,
My nights with dedication, deliberation
Past my needs
To sorrow with now a soft grief.
Constant, consistent, continual, how would
I miss that?
The day has passed beyond evening into night,
A light sweater is nice but the windows are open.
It is raining.
Sweet, soft, windless droplets patter beyond the panes,
A tangled tattered background beat that is so quietly
Soothing to me,
Reminding me of the kindness of this universe
We all inhabit, with its astounding beauties
And astonishing graces.
Resolve, I seem to have acquired a bit,
A result of this trip. There are things I
Wish for myself
Now, that I have given little consideration.
Now, not only may I allow, but actually seek
How to continue,
How to take my life’s decisions with joy
And goodness, not without you but with you
always within.
A long drive from South Carolina,
Listening to the wonderful music by
Mary Chapin Carpenter.
She's right it doesn't take much
To be happy. Finally I am home, sitting,
Watching the sun
Set on a weekend of allowance.
Perhaps you know what l’ve done, if so
Also know why.
All life's a challenge and a chance.
I have these days very much
Experienced the both.
I did not come in unaware of possibilities
Both good and not so. Thus am fine with
The outcomes learned,
As I can live with my own shortcomings
In a way good for me. However, still,
I miss you.
Past childish, girlish fantasies, met
A friend, who however unwittingly, allowed
Me to learn
More about myself. About consequences of pasts
About acknowledgement that things in future
Can be different.
This is what I hoped to discover: that on
So many levels, the choice of how to go on
Really is mine
A friend gave a gift of wondrous music,
Which accompanied me on this long drive, giving
Grief thoughtful contemplation.
“When I’m old and gray,
I want to have a house by the sea.
And paint,
With a lot of wonderful chums,
good music, and booze around.
And a damn
good kitchen to cook in.”
A quote worth repeating
by Ava Gardner
